"I give myself sometimes admirable advice,
but I am incapable of taking it."

~ Mary Wortley Montagu (1689-1762)

Mind Caviar Vol. I Fall-Winter, 2000

Here Here! A Toast to Honesty
by Jamie Joy Gatto 

Why does it often seem so hard to talk to the one person with whom we are the most intimate-- our primary, our mate, our lover? After all, this is the one person with whom we should feel the most comfortable: the person who sees us at our most vulnerable-- when we are naked, when we are being sexual, when we orgasm. The reason is, of course, because negotiating with our loved ones leaves us feeling even more emotionally exposed and open, and with so much more to lose than by having simple talks with other people. It's risky business! But beware; we need to learn to discuss these matters freely or else risk losing something even more important than our mates-- and that is our integrity, our respect, and our dignity. I know it's easier said than done, but by learning to communicate with your mate, you might even get what you want. Give it a try!

Reader's Question:

Dear Jamie Joy,

I was just surfing the internet and came upon your page. I have been involved in a two-and-a-half year long monogamous relationship. I think we have come to a fork in the road, and I was just wondering if I could get your opinion. My girlfriend wants to have a threesome. I agreed that another girl would be fine-- I'd love to try it. Unfortunately, this isn't what she had in mind. She wants to have a threesome with her ex boyfriend. 

I don't know how to say yes, and I'm convinced if I don't, she'll just have a secret twosome, and not let me know. I'm not saying this relationship is a healthy one, far from that actually. But, We love each other. We are both bisexual, or would like to say we are, but we haven't sexually experienced the opposite sex, yet. So we are kind of wannabe bi... but open to anything. 

Anyway, my question is: do you think this threesome idea is a good idea? The sight of my girlfriend and her ex going at it is something I don't think I'll enjoy. I want to please my girlfriend, I just don't want to destroy our relationship in the proccess. Any thoughts would be helpful. Thanks!

Jamie Joy Says:

Dear Reader,

Thanks for writing. It takes a lot of courage to ask a total stranger to help you with details regarding your sex life, and I appreciate your trust. My best advice is to go with your instincts. If you would feel uncomfortable having a threesome with your girl and her ex, certainly any reasonable person can understand the apprehension involved in dealing with past relationships and those former ties. I suggest you talk to your girlfriend about why she is interested in reviving an old flame, and futhermore, ask why she's trying to include you in the situation, as well. It seems to me there are issues at hand which do not necessarily include bisexuality or even sexuality, but rather, unresolved feelings your girlfriend may have for her former beau.

Communicate with her in person. Be honest. Set limits. Try a threesome only if and when you are comfortable with the situation. It's not fair for anyone to pressure their partner into a sexual situation in which they'd feel uncomfortable. I'm sure she would only agree that she'd wish to be treated with the same respect. After all, if the tables were turned, would she be willing to do the same for you? Even so, we each have our own limits and special needs in relationships. Respect yours and make yourself be respected.

Love and life are not a contest. There are no winners if there is a loser in a relationship. Don't let her bully you, or guilt trip you, either way she'll make you out to be the loser. If you think she will leave you over this "problem" then you may want
to re-evaluate your relationship as a whole. 

There is one point in particular I'd like to add, and that is that monogamy is certainly not the best way of life nor the only way for each and every relationship. For some people, it is definitely the best and most comfortable way to go, for others, it feels idealistic and constricting. Polyamory (loving many or more than one person) is also a possible lifestyle, and does not necessarily mean you would have to play second lead to anyone, but you would have to be willing to "share" your significant other, and to allow room for other interpersonal and sexual relationships other than your own.

Remember there are many sides to each and every problem, therefore there is no one singular solution, either. Trust your instincts, go with your heart, communicate, and try to keep an open mind. Only you know what is best for you to do at this time. I heartily suggest you try to communicate your feelings to your girlfriend. If you have trouble talking it out, why not try writing it out? I wish you all the best of luck and good negotiating!

Copyright © 2000 Jamie Joy Gatto. All rights reserved.

Got a Sex Question? Ask Jamie Joy

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