The Mind Caviar Diva has done it again! Aldonza takes you on a tour of Her picks of the best and the worst in Her Universe. I'm sure you'll agree She's a trash Goddess, and only worthy of your most devoted worship and adoration.

Sarah
a Novel by J. T. Leroy

How much do you know about truck-stop hookers? I didn't know anything til I read "Sarah", by J T LeRoy. This book smells like diesel and swamp onion and truffled souffles and "My Sin." Sarah is a 100-paged world that is now precious on my bookshelf forever.

A pale young boy learns fellating tecniques from mom and various "uncles" and now is proud to join in the family trade. He just wants to be good enough to earn a bigger Racoon Penis Bone to wear around his neck and to be able to buy his own bubble bath and a leather skirt. His pimps go from a benevolent gourmet to a dangerous Wolfman. He is sainted and scorned and saved. 

Buy your own Racoon Penis Bone from the author at http:\\www.jtleroy.com. Maybe it will rock your world!

The Ninth Gate 
Film, 1999 directed by Roman Polanski

"The Ninth Gate" had everything going for it: Roman Polanski (remember "Rosemary's Baby"?) and the ever-sweet Johnny Depp, so why did I buy this on Pay-per-View and then tape over the recording with an missed episode of the "Bette" show (which taped in Spanish, by the way-- another techno-annoyo moment). Because "The Ninth Gate" sucked!!!

I love rare book collecting as a subject (my own rarest is Madonna's "Sex") and the motivator of the evil doings in the plot of this film is a set of books that will bring forth THE DEVIL... cool... right?? Wrong!!! Our Johnny is looking all serious, with graying temples and nerd glasses, still cute as cherry pie but trying too hard to seem unattractive and dorky. He has head-banging sex with a Cruella chick who wants the books and then devil/angel/fire sex with a woman who was cast, I'm sure, only because she had catty green eyes (or maybe old Roman is still a hornytoad). The only sparks that flew during the conservatively filmed sex scenes were in the fake-ass firey superimposed set background.

The plot is muddled and practically non-existent beyond a basic comic book premise; Get books, say a few devil words, rule the world. The best scene is when Frank Langella finally gets the spell and books together and thinks he can barbeque himself 'cause he is now invincible... then the fire starts burning up towards his head and DUH!!! 

Laughed my pretty ass off! Didn't I see this scene in a Roadrunner/Wiley Coyote cartoon? 

I will now spoil the end for you: long shot of Johnny walking toward a castle with shiny yellow light coming out of it. Is the devil there? Is catty-eye chick there? Is it heaven? Don't ask ME! 

An Air Freshener for the lovely Mr. Depp. Well, he can wear the Air Freshener so he wont be so stinky in the film. Anyway-- Johnny could redo "Porky's" and I'd buy a ticket.

Shop at Blue Snake and buy Christmas presents that are sure to impress! There is Death Row Marv, an action figure that you can electrocute and he taunts back, "Is that all you got, Pansy!" Get Bondage Bear and throw him down the stairs a lot... he likes it! Buy the "Drag Kings" book and see girls dressed as guys for a change. Scratch your itchy back with a genuine kangaroo claw or carry your change in a purse made of his scrotum. 

There is so much cool stuff I can hardly stand it. I want to surprise Norman Bates by wearing a shower cap with a big blow-up foot on the top and then paint him with purple latex... tell me: is that too much to ask??

Once, a long time ago, I found an old photograph in an antique store of a woman in a jaunty fedora and suit. Now I've dug that out of a box in the garage and am displaying it for Goddess power....Maybe Nan, the protagonist of Tipping the Velvet looked just like that. Oh please let me find out I was a Vaudeville Queen in a past life!!!

I was Nan, the heroine of this book, while I read it...and happily rode a time machine into her world:

I could smell the oysters dripping in my hands as I slit the shells. The pungent sea breeze carried raucous sounds of lively lunchers...over all this, I sang my dreams. I smoothed tailored trousers over my girl-hips and sang next to my secret lover on a limelit stage, glorying in the applause. My song was choked silent by love loss and, muddy kneed, I breathed the middle of anonymous men for bread money.

I lounged on a Fainting Couch, my head on my expensively perfumed arm, mindlessly humming to my mistress's leather harness while chocolate bon-bons melted in my mouth. Exiled once more, I found true pleasure in simplicity and shared quiet music with a valiant and compassionate woman.

This engrossing tale was saucy and sexy and enlightening. Is this a new genre?...the lushly detailed lesbian historical romance? We have first sweet love, then evil, betraying love, and finally, true love, all familiar phases in typical romances, but now with the hidden girl-world and the bonus of a fabulously witty author...much, much more interesting!

Click here for some info on a woman from Victorian Music Hall days. And here's a totally strange song lyric from that time.

= Flawless, Fabulous Product. 

= Very Good, I'd Recommend It To a Friend. 

= Decent but Flawed. Some Shortcomings. 

= This Stinks! 

Rant & Rave Reviews are Copyright © 2000 Aldonza. All rights reserved. Do not copy or post.

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