Mind Caviar

"Good communication is stimulating as black coffee,
and just as hard to sleep after.Ē

~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh (1955)

Mind Caviar Issue 13, 2004-2005


Champagne Rouge #13
"Knowledge + Communication = Great Sex"
by Tina Hess

A female Mind Caviar reader is having difficulty reaching orgasm. Tina Hess, author of the non-fiction book, The Women's Around-the-House Guide to Masturbation and the erotic short fiction collection, Shades of Seduction offers well-researched sex advice from many different angles. She says, "Sexuality is an ever-evolving, beautiful thing. For a woman just starting to discover herself, it can be a frightening time." Read on... 



Dear Tina,

I am a young woman who has never orgasmed. I have only masturbated once without any success.  About six months ago, I became sexually active with my steady boyfriend. I have only had sex with this one male.  When we first starting having sex, he had a problem holding off his climax for any extended period. Lately, though, he goes for a very long time. It's become hard for me to get wet before we have intercourse, and I don't understand why.  Before, I felt as though I was too wet. Now sex hurts because I am not wet enough. I still have strong feelings for him, and I am still attracted to him. I know I could try lubrication, but I would rather just have it be natural.  What is wrong with me?  What can I do?  



Dear Reader,

Thank you for having the courage to write.  The issues you write about are fairly common with women, especially ones just beginning to explore their sexuality. It is not always as easy for a woman to orgasm as it is for a man.  We require more time and attention. Unfortunately, that type of attention isnít always measured by the time duration of intercourse. There could be many reasons why you have not orgasmed yet, and why you are not becoming lubricated enough before sex. Below I explore several reasons and offer many types of techniques and ideas plus references to help you through this dilemma.

Sexuality is an ever-evolving, beautiful thing.  For a woman just starting to discover herself, it can be a frightening time.  I am by no means a doctor or therapist, but I am well-read in sexual matters as well as well-experienced.  The suggestions Iíve made are simply a starting point for you.  If you think the problem goes beyond anxiety or trepidation or if you ever have any doubts, please seek advice from your doctor or a qualified therapist.  A womanís sexual health is vital to her well-being and mental state. Donít be afraid to ask questions from many sources, and seek out the answers that work best for you.



Lack of Information About Sex

First, I would recommend getting to know your body better.  Itís important that a woman be able to please herself, because then she can show her lover what she likes, making the intimate experience even more fulfilling.  Betty Dodson has some great masturbation techniques you may want to try. Visit her website.  Remember, though, this is something that will take time.  Relax.  Donít expect anything from yourself or your body.  Just do what feels good, and if you donít orgasm the first time, or even the first few times, thatís okay.  As with any relationship, it takes time to get to know your intimate self.  

Take time to touch your body. Learn what feels good and what begins to get you aroused. I would also recommend fantasy exploration to get yourself excited.  Reading some erotic stories may be helpful, or just thinking about your boyfriend, or fantasy man, or sexy scenario.  These suggestions could also carry over to your intimate relationship with your boyfriend.  Lust begins with mental stimulation.  Explore different types of foreplay with your lover; discuss different activities that would turn both of you on.  The more foreplay you share, the more excited he will become.  This will most likely shorten his endurance, also.  It is common for a woman to become raw or sore during extended lovemaking.  The subconscious anxiety of that happening could inhibit your arousal.  

There are several books on the art of lovemaking that may help.  I recommend Kama Sutra for 21st Century Lovers by Anne Hooper or Sexopedia by the same author.



Poor Communication of Sexual Needs

Are you showing your boyfriend what you like, or letting him know what feels good as he does it?  Donít ever assume that your lover knows what you want. True, ultimate pleasure from sex comes when two people guide each other; therefore, learning how to please the other in the process.  You can do this by encouraging him when he does something that feels good and listening to him, as well, to know what he enjoys.



Fear of Being Intimate with a Partner

Being self-conscious about your own body, or the way your body will react to climax can become intimidating for you, and can be a turn-off in the bedroom.  If youíre timid about what he will see at the moment you ďlose controlĒ and orgasm, then chances are that you are not going to allow your body to become completely aroused before or during intercourse.  It will also prevent you from climaxing. This is best resolved by learning to bring yourself to orgasm.  Watch yourself in the mirror.  Most men think a woman is beautiful as she climaxes.  You need to see for yourself that your reaction to intense pleasure is nothing to be ashamed of at all.



Unrealistic Expectations

The infatuation stage of your relationship has ended and you have moved into a deeper, more mature stage.  Sex is a part of your relationship, but chances are neither one of you are consumed by it anymore.  It is important to remember that love is built on communication, as well as intimacy.  To keep passion flowing, it has to be nurtured.  Be sure to be open with each other and talk about your sex life as much as you experience it.


Fear of Pregnancy or Disease

Take steps to protect yourself so that your worries are minimal about being intimate with your lover.  In addition to condoms, if an unwanted pregnancy is a concern, make an appointment with your doctor to discuss birth control options. Just remember that birth control does NOT protect you against sexually transmitted diseases (STDís) and a condom should always be used until you are sure that he, as well as you, will remain monogamous, and you both have both undergone HIV and other STD testing.



Don't Be Afraid to Use Tools

It's really ok to use lube! Sometimes, depending on the time of the month, our arousal, hydration levels, diet, and medication taken, women can vary in the amount of natural lubrication they produce. Water-based lubricants can be a fun way to start foreplay, and can help you along in arousal, creating more of your own sexual secretions. Sex toys, too, are wonderful! Vibrators can do things to you that no penis, mouth, hands or vagina can possibly physically do. Try various settings, speeds, insertion, and outer use. Try out some different toys on your own, and later introduce them to your partner during sex play when you find something that really works for you. Make a date to just play with lube and toys, without the pressure of having intercourse, and see where that may lead you both.

Safety advice: NEVER USE OIL-BASED LUBRICANTS WITH CONDOMS. THEY DETERIORATE THE CONDOMS CAUSING THEM TO TEAR APART AND/OR DISINTEGRATE. Some commonly used oil-based lubes are Vaseline, baby oil, massage oil, hand lotions and cosmetic body creams, flavored Kama Sutra and other oils and lotions.

Recommended lubes: K-Y Jelly, generic no-name K-Y knock-off lubricants are fine, Astroglide and Wet brands are staff favorites. Always read labels to see if the lubricant is compatible with latex condoms.


Maintain Good Communication

Do sex checks. Talk about sex more often, and let your partner know what you want in respectful, clear terms. If heís not doing something that you would like him to do or vice versa, this is the time to talk about it.  Listen carefully and non-defensively to what he has to say, and ask him to do the same for you.  Be willing to try his suggestions, but always respect your own sexual limits.

Praise each other, and talk about what you both like in regard to your sex life at times other than during intimacy.  Itís important to the sexual side of your relationship that you can communicate openly and honestly.  This will bring a greater understanding, comfort, and, ultimately, more arousing and satisfying encounters for both of you.  If there is a problem, you need to discuss it and find a solution together.  Remember that he wants you to enjoy sex as much as he does.  Donít be afraid to explore and learn with him.


You can visit Tina Hess to read more at her Web site.

Got a Sex Question? Ask Tina.

Copyright © 2004 Tina Hess. All Rights Reserved. Do not copy or post in whole or in part. 


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