Mind Caviar
"When I spoke of having a drink,
it was a euphemism for having a whole flock of them."

~ Margaret Halsey (1977)

Mind Caviar Issue 13, 2004-2005


Mz. Conduct's Princess Cocktail
by Kim Alvarez

Feeling a tad festive in the holiday season, my sweet and sassy bosom buddy, The Royal Diva, and I ventured out one evening, wearing fabulously scandalous attire, no doubt! She in a red, strapless organza along with leopard mules and tiara, and I in my ever-so-short, black, satin retro dress, blood red cowboy boots and matching lipstick. We were feeling quite frisky, so we snatched up our handbags and hailed a cab to the majestically decorated Boom Boom Room.

The candlelit ambience was crimson seductive. As we strolled into the jazzy house of Boom Boom, it became even sexier, of course.  Just a smattering of folks were there listening to an old guy at the piano.  We sidled up to the corner of the bar and ordered a Princess Cocktail for the Royal Diva… a bone-dry martini for moí.

Bottom's Up!
The bartender wasn’t familiar with the Princess Cocktail, so the Royal Diva put him straight (or as straight as a cute, gay bartender can be) and explained that just a splash of Chambord is a must, as the drink should never be red, but as pink as her Princess flower.

Now, The Royal Diva has a remarkable and attention-drawing voice; not intense, more like smoky, thick honey dripping over bubbles, baby.  The small crowd had taken notice by now.  Tiara still adorning her pretty head, the girl of grandeur educated them all on the Princess Cocktail.  Amused and in awe, everyone smiled, ready for something fun. 

She sauntered across the flickering room, set a bare elbow on the piano and whispered into the old player’s ear. He nodded.  The Royal Diva sipped from her glass, then opened her luscious lips to pour out Nina Simone’s own, "I Want a Little Sugar in my Bowl", and we all went a little crazy.  The crowd asked for more and she gave it to them gracefully.  I switched my martinis to Princess Cocktails and, needless to say, after oodles of them all night, we didn’t buy a one!



How to Do It, Royally

Serve this to your favorite Princess, girl or boy. Serve up, in a martini glass, of course!

Double shot of Chopin vodka

4 small pieces of muddled lime

Splash of Chambord (just enough to make it pink)


Cheers and Bottoms Up, Baby!

~Mz. Conduct

Copyright © 2004 Kim Alvarez. All Rights Reserved. Do not copy or post in whole or in part.
Cool Retro Graphics Copyright © 2004 Kim Alvarez. All Rights Reserved. Do not copy or post in whole or in part. 


Kim Alvarez is a saucy little sex advice columnist whose column, Mz. Conduct's House Of Sin appears monthly in SFX men's magazine. She published a zine called the Gutter Rag for several years and her erotica flash fiction and poetry have appeared at Brilliant Smut and Clean Sheets as well as Girlphoria and Venus or Vixen? She's written an article on animal abuse for Out of Bounds magazine, political reviews for Portland's Alliance newspaper, an art op-ed piece for The Chicago Tribune and Curio magazine. Mz. Kimi, as she so adoringly is called, is a garden goddess, a weight room enthusiast, a martini shaker collector, an animal rescuer, a bad girl extraordinaire and the mother you were warned about. Visit Mz. Conduct at her slut-o-licious Web site.

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