Mind Caviar Sex Advice

"Champagne has the taste of an apple peeled with a steel knife."

~ Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

Mind Caviar, Vol. 3 Fall Issue, 2002

Food & Sex? Sensual Sweets Can Be a Real Pain...

Advice by Jamie Joy Gatto

Reader's Question:

Dear Jamie Joy,

Should it sting if my girlfriend gives me a blow job with champagne in her mouth? We tried it out for fun, but I was surprised at the sting it walloped. I tried to be a sport about it, but frankly it worried me. Is something wrong with me or is champagne just naturally stingy in that area?

Jamie Joy Says:

Dear Reader,

Thank you for having the courage to write. I'm not sure of the cause for this reaction, but there are lots of reasons why bubbly might sting your privates. Irritation of your penis may occur if the wine gets into your urethra which is the tube that carries both urine and sperm out of your penis. While drinking champagne and cock-sucking seem to go together like caviar and creme fraiche, it is not very healthy for your urinary tract to combine the two sexy activities at once. Doing so may cause anything from irritation due to the champagne's effervescence to a full-blown yeast infection from the sugar content. Yes, while rare, men can get itchy, yucky yeast infections as well as women, and it's not pretty nor is it comfortable to smear creams up your pee-hole and to take oral meds with lots of potentially dangerous side effects.

There is also the risk of getting a urinary tract infection. Carbonation gas bubbles irritate the bladder, whether you literally drink the bubbly substance or apply it directly through your urethra. Doing both at once will double your chances of developing a UTI. Urinary tract infections (UTI's) are caused by unwanted microorganisms entering through the urethra and growing in the bladder. However, these infections sometimes do not cause any symptoms and the person who is affected may feel just fine. In these cases, the bladder is considered to be "colonized" rather than infected. Colonizations are often left untreated because they can be non-symptomatic. This can cause a variety of problems including eventual life-threatening kidney scarring. 

Don't underestimate that potential sting-- UTIs can also be quite painful and irritating. When a UTI is suspected, a urine culture is ordered by a doctor to determine what microorganisms are causing the infection and which antibiotics will be most effective. Once you start taking the meds, your symptoms will virtually vanish at once. Don't stop taking your antibiotics until you take every last one. The bacteria may not be wiped out and your infection may come back raging and even harder to get rid of.

UTI Signs and Symptoms (Both Men & Women)

In any combination these symptoms may occur:

  • fever 
  • nausea and/or vomiting 
  • bad-smelling or strong-smelling urine 
  • lower abdominal pain 
  • pain in your back near the kidneys 
  • bladder spasms which cause a desperate urgency to urinate
  • blood in urine
If you continue to have a burning sensation in the penis for more than a couple of hours after play, you definitely need to see a physician to check for the possibility of UTIs, yeast infection, or sexually transmitted diseases which may cause similar symptoms as yeast infections. Trichomoniasis, or "trick," is a parasitic infection that occurs in both men and women. In men, symptoms include a pale white discharge from the penis and painful or difficult urination-- or maybe none at all. In women, this disease can often be mistaken for a yeast infection as the symptoms are almost identical. That is why it is very important to make an appointment with your doctor to get a lab culture made. Once diagnosed, "trick" can be treated easily with oral medications. If diagnosed, don't forget to tell your sex partners to get a check-up and get treated, as well. This is particularly important if your partner is female, as long-term trich infections may cause severe complications, even sterility. Also, treatment will stop the cycle of reinfection by your partner to you. You certainly don't want to catch this all over again!

Sugary Sex Hazards For Women:

The microflora of a woman's vagina is diverse, so even eating too much sugar can wreak havoc on her system. Because of all these potential problems caused by sugary sex play, by no means should you penetrate a woman with your penis covered in any sort of sugary substance such as champagne, wine, foods or sweets, milk-based products and especially honey which can contain many forms of microbes. Doing so can definitely upset her vaginal PH balance which may cause infections of many possible types. Playing with wines, juices, fruit, whipped cream, chocolate sauce, etc. sounds like a bunch of sensual fun and definitely can be, just keep those yummy things away from direct contact with genitalia, including the anus, and you will be creating a healthier environment for sex play. 

Instead, try applying and teasing with these food items upon nipples, backs, buttocks, the tender crooks of knees and elbows, and the tempting upper thighs. What about on clean toes? Sounds like a ticklish suck-fest to me! You may also want to check out sugar-free flavored condoms and/or lubes and let you and your girlfriend comfortably and sweetly lap away in all those orgasmic target zones. 

All My Best,

~Jamie Joy

Copyright © 2002 Jamie Joy Gatto. All Rights Reserved. Do not copy or post in whole or in part.

Got a Sex Question? Ask Jamie Joy

Sex Noir by Jamie Joy Gatto AVN praises Jamie Joy's latest collection: "Sex Noir... delivers a sexy, yet moody slice of erotic fiction that should please fans of the genre. Gatto's tales range from sexy to harrowing, from tragic to optimistic, and from hardcore to sugary sweet-- sometimes all within the same story."

Click on the book to learn more about Jamie Joy Gatto's collection of dark erotica, Sex Noir  published by Circlet Press. 

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