Mind Caviar
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~ Joan Frank on coffee (1991)

Mind Caviar, Vol. 3 Fall Issue, 2002

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Mz. Conduct's Coffee Cocktails
by Kim Alvarez

I needed a pick-me-up and I needed one fast. I had an extremely late night with a couple of wild and wooly gay boys, and I'd had a mere hour of beauty sleep before I was to meet the luscious Lolita at the Astro Room. I ordered up a Coffee Cocktail and sucked that striped straw like it was a tiny little penis. Lolita and I had met briefly at a Bad Girls convention a month earlier and neither of us could forget each other's salacious stories of slutdom. Lolita, with her shoulder-length red curls, strutted into the dark and smoky joint, a cigarette between her pouting, clit-sucking lips. She was clad in blue polka dots. Only a gal like she could pull off polka dots like that... and how!

I, in my black lace stockings and barely ass-length dress to match, stood up to hug her hello. It was a long and lusty hug that made me wish I had worn a maxi pad from the way I wet my panties with sweet cream. We sat down and blathered about our deviant desires and when she whispered in her husky voice "I'm parched lil'darlin''. I suggested she order a Coffee Cocktail. She agreed, said she trusted me.

Bottom's Up!
After we each swilled three, maybe five, pints of java and booze concoction (a girl in heat can surely loose count), our legs were noticeably entwined under the crimson, vinyl booth. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and she smiled wickedly and nodded. I had just finished peeing when in walked Lolita. I had just enough time to wipe when she grabbed my hands and pinned me to the bathroom wall. Her big lips were on mine within seconds. It felt as if the heat from our melded bodies could have started a bonfire. 

Well... we had a girlie day in the little girl's room and I blame it all on the Coffee Cocktails... but mind you, I'm not complaining!

How to Do It, Baby

Serve in a pint glass: 

  • Three ounces of iced coffee 
  • One and a half ounces of vanilla Stolichnaya vodka 
  • One and a half ounces of Kahlua
  • Toss in milk or half and half
  • (or if you're a freaky vegan like I, then soy milk is great)
Shake that thang and pour over ice, add straw and suck.

Cheers and Bottoms Up, Baby!

~Mz. Conduct

Copyright © 2002 Kim Alvarez. All Rights Reserved. Do not copy or post in whole or in part.
Cool Retro Graphics Copyright © 2002 Kim Alvarez. All Rights Reserved. Do not copy or post in whole or in part. 

Kim Alvarez is a saucy little sex advice columnist whose column, Mz. Conduct's House Of Sin appears monthly in SFX men's magazine. She published a zine called the Gutter Rag for several years and her erotica flash fiction and poetry have appeared at Brilliant Smut and Clean Sheets as well as Girlphoria and Venus or Vixen? She's written an article on animal abuse for Out of Bounds magazine, political reviews for Portland's Alliance newspaper, an art op-ed piece for The Chicago Tribune and Curio magazine. Mz. Kimi, as she so adoringly is called, is a garden goddess, weight room enthusiast, martini haker collector, animal rescuer, bad girl extraordinaire and the mother you were warned about.

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