A Toast to Our Readers!
by Jamie Joy Gatto

What goes better with salty, rich, black caviar than a perfectly crisp, effervescent champagne? When designing this webzine, we decided that surely we needed a bit of pink bubbly to go with Mind Caviar, so here it is: your column, written especially for my readers, Champagne Rouge. The place where we answer the most important questions of all-- the real intimate questions with hard to find answers, the questions you may even be a little ashamed of asking, the ones you are not sure whom to ask, or what resources to use to look up the answer. Go ahead, ask Jamie Joy. She'll tell it to you gently, but be assured she'll tell it to you straight. We've even added links to help you find additional sexual information and resources. 

Question:

I consider myself to be a pretty open person, but something has been bothering me a lot. About a month ago, my boyfriend asked if I'd have anal sex. I told him, ok, I'd try it. At first, I thought he meant for him to be doing the sex to me. But, what he really wanted was for me to use a sex toy anally on him. So far, I keep putting him off. I am wondering if he might really be gay, or if it's just something that's ok or even normal. To tell you the truth, I'm pretty scared of doing it. Even though the idea doesn't really turn me on, it doesn't turn me off either. I'd like to try it since he's a cool guy and we have a good sex life, but I'm just not sure what to do. I know this sounds gross, but is it messy? I don't know if I could deal with that. Any advice would be helpful. 

Jamie Joy Says:

First of all, I'd like to thank you for being brave enough to ask such a personal question. There are scores of resources on anal sex, anal health, tips and techniques for both men and women and I will be happy to share them with you. 

As you probably already know-- your boyfriend is not "gay" simply because he likes to be anally stimulated. It is commonly assumed that all gay men frequently perform and absolutely love anal sex. This is simply a stereotype. Who likes anal sex? Straight men, gay men, bi men, straight women, gay women, bi women...transsexuals, hermaphrodites and everything in between. As a matter of fact, it is perfectly healthy and even quite normal to have sexual feelings associated with our perineum (the area between our genitals and asshole) and anus (asshole), even though we are socially raised to believe that our anus is dirty and disgusting and that we should never even touch it, much less derive pleasure from it. 

Of course, we must be careful about keeping ourselves clean when we are playing anally, as we do harbor some bacteria in the rectal area and it is very easy to contract vaginal infections if we are not careful. The main thing is to wash and flush the area well with a mild anti-bacterial soap and clean water. If you like, you can have your boyfriend clean out his rectum with an enema in private (which is easier and less weird than it sounds) to avoid any potential "mess" (which is usually not often a big problem, anyway). 

I absolutely recommend using condoms on all your sex toys, and even on make-shift toys such as candles, cucumbers, carrots, etc. for a number of reasons: first of all, this simple act will preserve the life of your expensive sex toys and also keep them cleaner, giving them more years of use. Secondly, it's just plain tidier, and thirdly it can help prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. If you would rather use your fingers, I highly recommend wearing latex gloves. Not only will it make it more comfortable for your partner, but this will allow you to keep your hands and fingernails more clean. Using your finger(s) is a good way to start, slowly building up to using larger toys. 

There is a rule of thumb (pun intended) for anal sex: YOU CAN NEVER USE ENOUGH LUBE. Don't even think about not lubing up, and make sure your lube is water soluble such as KY. Never use a petroleum-based lube like vaseline, baby oil or hand cream in conjunction with condoms. The latex will disintegrate along with the condom's intended protection. 

A word of caution about using those "homemade" toys: be careful that the object does not get lodged or pushed up into the rectum too far. Keep a good grip on it or make sure you use toys designed for anal use that have a flared end to keep the toys from getting stuck or "lost". Please seek medical advice if this type of emergency should occur. 

Lastly, communicate with your partner, go slowly at first, be brave and never stop talking to one another. Don't be afraid of making mistakes. You might. Don't be afraid of a little possible pain for your partner at first, especially if this is a first time anal encounter. It's likely. When we are nervous, we tend to clench our muscles tight, making both anal and vaginal sex more difficult. This is a great way for you to connect, both physically and emotionally since you will both be learning something new and exciting together. Remember to relax, have fun and don't forget to LUBE!

Copyright © 2000 Jamie Joy Gatto. All rights reserved.

Terrific Video by Carol Queen: Bend Over Boyfriend
Not only is this sexy and explicit, but its also educational, packed with answers to questions expressly demonstrated for women who wish to penetrate men anally. 

Want to watch without all that instruction? A great video for the more experienced: 
Bend Over Boyfriend II: More Rockin' Less Talkin'

Everything you need to know about anal health can be found in Jack Morin, PhD's book: Anal Pleasure and Health

Got a Sex Question? Ask Jamie Joy

Copyright © 2000 Mind Caviar. All rights reserved. Mind Caviar is a trademark of Two Blondes Productions.