A Mind Caviar reader is concerned that her age and shape might hinder her sexual performance and sex appeal. Jamie Joy says:

"No, you may not be twenty, no you may not be thin, but you are beautiful in whatever way you are. You are a sexual being, as all humans are, and you deserve sexual attentions and sexual love. This is not limited to a certain age group or to people of a certain body type."

Dear Jamie Joy,

I have a problem, and I hope you'll give some advice and support. Maybe I am crazy for doing this at my age, but I wanted to share my problem with someone who seems to know what they're talking about. I like the fact that your advice column is always so supportive, and that you don't talk down to your readers. 

First of all, I am a woman in my early 50s, and I have not had sex with a partner in almost ten years now. I am not afraid of sex or sexual relationships, I just have not been seriously involved with anyone in the last decade, and I feel comfortable enough pleasuring myself for my sexual gratification. 

Here is the real problem: I have a guy friend who is coming to town to visit me. We have been friends for some time. We originally met when I was on vacation out of town at a mutual friend's party. I have been in touch with this gentleman by phone, e-mail and chat rooms on the Internet. He's very sweet and handsome, and I am considering whether or not I have sexual feelings for him strong enough to act upon. When he visits, I'm afraid that I might like to act on those potential feelings.

It has been so long since I've had sex with anyone, I feel very self-conscious about my naked body and the possibility of having a new lover. At my age, my skin is less pliable, I feel overweight, and I just don't feel sexy. Don't get me wrong, I think I look great in clothes, but I am shy to be naked in front of another person. Can you offer any advice on dealing with my reborn sexual feelings and potential embarrassment with nudity? Help! I feel old and fat, not sexy and cute.

Dear Reader,

Thank you for having the courage to face your fears head on. You are a smart woman to be self-aware enough to turn to someone for advice, although I feel the answer is right at your feet, or rather, right in your own mirror, and in your own heart. I do hope you realize that there are lots of people your age and older, your size and larger having happy, healthy, hot and horny sex lives. So, please don't feel you are the only woman (or man) to face this self-esteem or body-image dilemma. 

I'm going to ask you to be strong in another way, and that is one of the hardest ways anyone can imagine. I'm asking you to be kind to yourself. Try not to judge your appearance with such a scrutinizing eye. I realize this is a difficult task given our society's extreme ageism and push toward youthfulness and thinness. Marketing and advertising has really done a number on a lot of women's heads, and that goes for women of all ages. I am asking you to put those thoughts aside and look at the real you, the beautiful you, the goddess of you. 

Try to look at yourself as a potential lover would. Are those curves really fat, or are they plush, voluptuous, womanly? Is that skin really sagging, or is it simply softer, more wonderful to caress? Close your eyes and run your hands along your skin and tell yourself what you feel. Now open your eyes and take a look at the gorgeous being you are. No, you may not be twenty, no you may not be thin, but you are beautiful in whatever way you are. You are a sexual being, as all humans are, and you deserve sexual attentions and sexual love. This is not limited to a certain age group or to people of a certain body type. 

I'd also like to mention that not all men are interested in young, thin women. For every person out there, whether you are young, old, fat, skinny, whatever shape size, IQ, ethnic type, race, etc. there is someone and likely many people interested in YOU, whatever you may be. Furthermore sexual attraction takes place in the head as well as in the eye of the beholder, and you seem to be what this gentleman is interested in. Take advantage of this knowledge to boost your confidence. If he wants you, you must have something highly desirable. I'd wager you have more than just something, but many things that are highly sexual and alluring.

If you are still feeling a bit shy and concerned about your appearance, I know just the thing to make you feel more attractive and enticing. Go shopping! If you are not comfortable with the way your body looks out of clothes, find yourself some sexy lingerie that highlights your best areas and that covers what you wish to hide. If you don't feel comfortable shopping in a mall or a boutique for your ensemble, I suggest trying Fredericks of Hollywood on-line or their hard-copy catalog. They specialize in sexy wear and cater to women of all shapes and sizes. Many of their clothing goes up to size XXX-L. There is nothing like a brand new pair of sexy panties to make a woman inwardly and outwardly want to strut her stuff. 

There is another aspect to this question, aside from the body-image issues, and I believe it may be psychological. Is your nude body what you are afraid of, or is it the potential intimacy of a sexual encounter? Sex can be pretty risky business in the emotional department, so that is understandable-- especially if it has been some time since you have had that intimate of an encounter with another person. Sex isn't always just about getting off, and usually sex with a potential mate, or with someone whom you've had a friendship or other close relationship, tends to be even more intimate, therefore more emotionally risky. 

Think hard about what you might want out of this encounter and allow yourself the necessary freedom to explore those needs and that potential. Obviously it is something you care enough about to consider seriously, and to even write to me for advice regarding. Sounds to me like there is a lot of potential in the relationship, and therefore a lot of potential for creative, sexual energy. Overcome your fears of being nude in front of another by giving yourself the love you deserve from within, then give yourself permission to explore your feelings intimately. Yes, there is risk, but life and love are both risky businesses. 

I'd be a bad sex advisor if I failed to mention the physical risks involved in sex, too. Please take precautions to prevent possible pregnancy if you are still pre-menopausal, and please use a condom to prevent the spread of possible sexually transmitted diseases. You'll need several new condoms, I always say have six on hand just in case of an encounter. Medical advice aside, good luck to you, and please let me know how things turn out!

Copyright © 2001 Jamie Joy Gatto. All rights reserved.

AVN praises Jamie Joy's latest collection: "Sex Noir... delivers a sexy, yet moody slice of erotic fiction that should please fans of the genre. Gatto's tales range from sexy to harrowing, from tragic to optimistic, and from hardcore to sugary sweet-- sometimes all within the same story." Click on the book to learn more about Jamie Joy Gatto's collection of dark erotica, Sex Noir published by Circlet Press.

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