Mind Caviar
"Before choosing your hotel, order a martini cocktail at the bar.
Then, you'll know if the hotel is good enough for you..."
~ John D. Rockefeller

Mind Caviar, Vol. 3 Anniversary Issue, 2002

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Mz. Conduct's MMMartini
and something to stir the fires

Who is Mz. Conduct? Well slap yourself silly because if you don't know, you ought to know-- and now you're about to find out, baby. Mind Caviar is in love with Mz. Conduct and her martini-drenched sex advice for the lovelorn. Dive in and take a long sip... of her favorite recipe for a Gin Martini.

And while you're at it, click the graphic to the right and take a peek at Mz. Conduct's latest House of Sin advice column. Now don't wear yourself out; come back and read about how to make the perfect early spring drink. It's all right here: exclusively at Mind Caviar.

Martinis Are Yummy

Mz. Conduct's MMMartini
by Kim Alvarez

Oh my, that young boy mowing the lawn looks like he may be thirsty. All that sinewy, sweaty, straining going on, his tautness teasing my imagination to no end! 

I will put down the book -- which I'm not succeeding in reading anyway -- and whip up a beverage!

I get down the circa 1938, cut glass, red topped, martini shaker. You can use a reasonable facsimile of course. Cut a slim chunk of a fresh Meyer lemon and run it all over the inside of the shaker, squeezing slightly as you go. Toss the lemon rind in the shaker and open up the Sapphire Gin. Oh baby, come to mama. Pour about half a bottle in the shaker and add crushed ice to galore. 

Take the seriously large martini glasses and pour a capful of good Vermouth (this makes a huge difference) in each glass. Roll it around in the glass until the entire insides are coated and wet, sort of like my thighs when I gaze at that lawnboy, then throw it down the sink, just like the goddess, Auntie Mame did.

Holding firmly to the bottom and the cap, shake that martini shaker vigorously, like you haven't had an aerobic class in seventeen years (never mind how accurate that is). Shake shake, shake that bootie, honey. Now open the top and straining the ice through a silver strainer. The plastic ones are sort of white trash, so it depends on your mood. Pour carefully into the wet, awaiting glass. 

Take a colorful pick, perhaps the miniature penis pick or a fuchsia flamingo, and skewer three enormous Spanish olives. You can also stab a few of the vermouth soaked olives as well. For variety sakes and loins on the make, try different types of olives from time to time. The olives stuffed with pimentos that are bigger than your eyeball are yummy or the jalapeno filled ones add a zip to the tastebuds and an unzip to the mood. Toss those in the glasses and voila! 

Hike up that sundress and give a whistle to that parched and lonely lawnboy. Or if, while you were whipping up the beverages, he finished and went home, drink up sweetie and plan better next time. Or wait, here comes that neighbor boy, he's in high school now, isn't he? 

Cheers and bottoms up, baby!

Copyright © 2002 Kim Alvarez. All Rights Reserved. Do not copy or post in whole or in part. 

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Kim Alvarez is a saucy little sex advice columnist whose column, Mz. Conduct's House Of Sin appears monthly in SFX men's magazine. She published a zine called the Gutter Rag for several years and her erotica flash fiction and poetry have appeared at Brilliant Smut and Clean Sheets as well as Girlphoria and Venus or Vixen? She's written an article on animal abuse for Out of Bounds magazine, political reviews for Portland's Alliance newspaper, an art op-ed piece for The Chicago Tribune and Curio magazine. Mz. Kimi, as she so adoringly is called, is a garden goddess, weight room enthusiast, martini shaker collector, animal rescuer, bad girl extraordinaire and the mother you were warned about.

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