Mind Caviar: "Champagne Rouge: Sexual Advice for Creative Lovers" by Jamie Joy Gatto

"It is not enough to conquer, one must know how to seduce."
--Voltaire (1694-1778)

Mind Caviar, Vol. I Spring Issue, 2000

Cheers! To Pleasure
by Jamie Joy Gatto

I've been reading and writing about sex for quite a long time and I've been practicing it even longer. The one universal theme that seems to keep popping up is that everyone seems to want to please their partner, often even more so than wanting to please themselves, sexually speaking. This holds true for men just as much as women, if not more! It seems our sexiness and the way we feel about the sex act itself is often dependent upon how we feel we are being perceived, both physically and performance-wise in the eyes of our beloved (or be-lusted). So, keeping that in mind when we frolic, fuck and fornicate may help us all to rest a little easier, play a little harder (with a little less self-consciousness) and have a whole lot more fun.

Question:

Hi, my boyfriend and I have a good sex life. The only thing is, he doesn't usually last long enough for me to have an orgasm. He normally lasts about 10 minutes, if that sometimes. We don't commonly do foreplay. Even when we do engage in foreplay, he still lasts about 10 minutes. As far as I know, he has experienced this all his life. I take great pleasure in pleasing him but I'd like to feel the orgasmic rush every once in a while. Is there anything I can do to help him last longer? We're both pretty open to trying anything. He is 22 and he doesn't have any medical problems I know of, other than high blood pressure. The doctor told him to exercise and eat healthy, which he is doing. He works out everyday. As for eating, he eats at a military galley, if that says anything.

Jamie Joy Says:

Thank you for having the courage to ask such a personal question and thanks for all the added information. You are wise to include any health and medical information as that will surely help me to answer in the best possible way. There are many possible causes, but most importantly, there are lots of solutions!

Let's start with the most obvious part of the problem: the time your partner takes from his arousal to his ejaculation. First of all, premature ejaculation (let's call it PE) is usually classified as not being able to maintain an erection long enough to please a partner. However, each partner may have a different time frame that it takes to achieve their orgasm. When you consider that most men, during intercourse, will last from approximately 10-15 minutes, your partner's usual erection time falls right there at the normal level. Then, when you consider that (according to various sex studies) only about 40% of women are able to achieve orgasm from intercourse alone, you've got a double whammy-- and what seems to be a very common problem for a lot of male-female sex partner combos.

Secondly, the fact that your partner has high blood pressure indicates to me that his body responds in a very negative way to stress, and please note: high blood pressure is a potentially deadly disease and must be monitored regularly by a physician. Stress also happens to be the number one cause of PE. If your partner does feel extremely stressful about sex and has a great deal of performance anxiety, then please have him seek help from a sex therapist and/or another medical doctor. Many times drug therapy, combined with relaxation techniques is the appropriate treatment for PE. This can only be determined by a physician.

Let's say you've ruled out the possibility of any medical and/or psychological root and you are ready to proceed on your own. Here's the tricky part: pleasing everyone. There are lots of tricks that any man can learn to help make his erections last longer and his orgasms occur more slowly during the course of sex play. The first one is called "Stop and Start". "Stop and Start" takes a lot of practice, but what a fun thing to practice! The practice should be done first during masturbation in order to allow a guy to get to know his levels of arousal so he may ultimately be able to control his ejaculation. Basically, he should not allow himself to ejaculate right away, but stop before he comes, then begin to masturbate himself until he almost comes, again and again, not allowing himself to come for some time. At first, this may seem impossible. Guys: don't get stressed out! Stress is the number one cause of PE.

Once you get good enough at "Stop and Start" you can take it into the bedroom and into mutual sex play. Now, in order to STOP in the middle of intercourse, you've got to be able to warn your partner that you're going to stop and you've got to be able to use restraint and really stop! So make sure you talk it out before you begin.

The next trick is called "The Squeeze" a trick brought to fame by Masters & Johnson. This technique also consists of the guy telling his partner when he is close to orgasm. His partner then gives a firm squeeze, either to the tip of the penis (works best) or the base of the penis, if the tip is not available because of penetration. This will often stop the orgasm, so sex play can continue for a longer time. "Stop and Start" and "The Squeeze" can also be used together, but, as with all things worth it, it takes practice. If it doesn't always work-- look forward to next time. And Guys: please, try to please your partner through oral sex, masturbation or some other means. Just because you just came, doesn't mean that sex is over!

Another thing to take into account is his age-- 22 is very young and he can certainly masturbate many times a day (if time allows). Men almost always last longer the second and third time they've come within a certain time frame. Frequent masturbation alone, even without learning all these tips and tricks will most certainly add to his sexual stamina, adding ultimately to both your pleasure.

Now that we've got your guy practicing all these new tricks and getting to know his dick better than the palm of his hand-- with the palm of his hand, you should know that there are lots of tricks you can do, too. Again, it's a matter of learning what gets you off and exactly how to make yourself come. Since most ladies don't orgasm through fucking alone, I suggest you guys jump right into that foreplay you usually don't do and get your little wooch so hot, you can't help but come during that following ten minutes of intercourse, if not several times before. This also will take practice and it will also take learning some masturbation techniques.

When you are alone, take the time to learn what feels good to you, so you can teach your partner by guiding has hand, mouth, fingers, sex toys and even his un-inserted penis to help bring you to orgasm. I suggest you completely refrain from having intercourse until you have had at least one orgasm through foreplay. Later, once you learn to allow yourself the time to come before intercourse, you can learn your point of no return and have your partner penetrate you just before you come-- allowing the orgasmic rush to happen while he is inside you. With practice you may both even learn to come simultaneously. It's all a matter of first getting to know yourself, then teaching your partner what you've learned.

Resources:

A Great Book for Lovers: ESO: How You and Your Lover Can Give Each Other Hours of Extended Sexual Orgasm by Alan P. Brauer, Donna Brauer and Richard Rhodes

Want to learn how to give yourself orgasms that will simply blow you away? Betty Dodson is the foremost authority on self-pleasuring. Read her book, Sex For One to learn tips and tricks for both men and women to enhance your private sexual time.

Visit this web address to get more medical facts on PE, it's treatments and causes.

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