Mind Caviar Reviews

"When you perform... you are out of yourself--
larger and more potent, more beautiful.
You are for minutes heroic. This is power.
This is glory on earth, and it is yours nighlty."

~ Agnes de Mille (1963)

Mind Caviar, Vol. 2 Summer Issue 2001

Rant & Rave Reviews
by Aldonza

Our resident Diva, Aldonza, brings you a cultural tour of the web and future performance events, including reviews of opera-length gloves, classical plays, and interior design. WAIT A SECOND! This sounds a bit too much like Martha Stewart...ewwwwwww! But, in her own fabulous way, Aldonza delivers with her plainly sordid, definitely trashy, campy John Watersesque twist on it all. Enjoy!

Justinspace Obscene Interiorscrowncrowncrown
Website Review

Aldonza is desperately bored of porn: Yes, yes...I see your penis, Whatever!...click...oh right, test-ee-cales...click, yawn, click... But, Duh! I never thought to study the interior design of the rooms these Stud-inos posed in. This is the most hysterical idea! Take a porn shot, any porn shot, preferably amateur. Then gray out the naked poseur so he's just a one-dimensional, annoying carboard shape. Examine the background of the photo, and really spit distain balls at the walls.

Excerpted from the site: 

"Oh my God! How could they do that? Those curtains are so wrong, I can't believe this stuff is allowed on the Net." Yes, it can be pretty hardcore stuff. I've gathered a random selection of male amateur porn and personal ad photographs and asked a professional interior designer to join me in a lively critique of these truly obscene interiors. (No need to shield your virginal eyes, the nude figures have been laboriously obscured.) 

JustinSpace.com Obscene Interiors was so funny, I even had Mommy Dumpling look at it. She was having fun being Bitchy-Dishy about the "MESSY!" rooms... and "Get out of your sister's room, you Pervert!" 

Check it out....Guaranteed Hoot, so three crowns cause I needed a good laugh. Thanks to Darren Wexler, a fellow Mind Caviar columnist who turned the Diva on to it, by the way. 

For the Love of Opera Gloves! crowncrown
Website Review

For the Love of Opera Gloves is an extensive photo collection of all our favorite stars in sleek, tight, beautiful gloves and goes beyond the obvious celebrities (forgive me Marilyn, Liz, Bette, Jayne, etc. for calling you "obvious"). 

Personally, I love wearing very shiny black opera gloves with a jeweled cigarette holder. A girl can't help but be Glamoricious when she adds that final touch... that, and a big, red, gooey kissy-mouth. If you long for photos of elegant, seductive stars or even if Queen Elizabeth is your secret passion, visit For the Love of Opera Gloves simply because everyone looks sexier in opera gloves.

Here's a favorite quote:

"You can partially remove your opera gloves in this fashion: unbutton the mousquetaire wrist opening and pull your hand out through the opening. The empty glove hand can then be rolled up neatly to wrist level, either tucked under the wrist or under your bracelet, if you are wearing bracelets." 
Mousequetaire!!! Now it has a name... not just little button-holey thing. 

More about Divas in gloves excerpted from the site:

"The recent smash hit single "Lady Marmalade", a cover of the mid-1970's Labelle disco classic, has a video featuring Christina Aguilera, Li'l Kim, Mya, and Pink sashaying around in corsets, stockings, suspenders....and opera gloves! Four different kinds of opera gloves! " 
"Thalia (whose full name Ariadna Thalia Sodi Miranda) is not as yet well-known in North America (although she's the new wife of Sony CEO Tony Mottola), but in Latin America she's omnipresent, being one of the supreme stars there, in music, movies and TV (especially in telenovelas, which are the Latin American equivalent of soap operas). She also wears opera gloves quite a lot..." 
"Sabrina Salerno, singer, and Valeria Marini, TV hostess, are two of Italy's sexiest modern celebrities. For the Love of Opera Gloves presents a gallery of images of Sabrina and Valeria in gloves (mostly long ones!!)" 
Two crowns only because some of the thumbnails were broken... Like Bettie Page's pics... for Goddess's sake!!!

Hamlet! The Musical splot
Not Quite a Review, More Like a Preview

"I'm oozin' with Music, like pus from a sore, 
and I think It's more contagious than a three-dollar whore..." 

--Arturo DeSelza, 1936 

I have a stagebill from The Chicago Shakespeare Theater and I was reading about "Hamlet! The Musical"...which I haven't seen, but the article (uncredited) was about Arturo DeSelza and his partner, Jezba Heinsplatt. Apparently they wrote the original idea for this musical. They also wrote classics like "Say It With Pretzels", "What If the Kaiser Was Tiny", and "Yakamoto Lil, The Girl from Bambooville."

They were also wild and crazy partyboys: 

"The (limo) door swung open, and case after case of bootleg whisky was carried out, followed by a string of the prettiest chorus girls you've ever seen. Fnally, out popped Jezba Heinsplatt in a full-lengh mink coat (and nothing else!), and Arturo DeSelza, in his trademark Bermuda shorts and porkpie hat."  -- Richard Rogers, 1973 

Can you picture Sean Penn and Johnny Depp in the future movie bio? 

Now here's something really bizarre from the article: 

When DeSelza ran off with Heinsplatt's wife, Janet Gaynor (NAUGHTY!!) "Heinsplatt, shaken and severly depressed, checked himself into Willowbrook, a private mental hospital where he stayed for the next four years. During this time, he wrote the music for "Mee-Ow!" casting the show with the stray cats that wandered about the grounds of the hospital."
I guess the partners kissed and made up cause they went on to write unforgettable tunes like "Those Rascally Rosenbergs" and the theme song for "J. Edgar Hoover's Hour of Smiles" TV show. 

I SWEAR this is all true. 

I loved reading about these artistes... and it may not be hard to find more info in biographies of Screen Goddesses like Greer Garson and Janet Gaynor because our boys were married to them. As for "Hamlet! The Musical", the original script was found in an old trunk and then spiffed up for public consumption. I am especially looking forward to songs like "Something Stinks" (sung by Hamlet), "Mama's a Boy's Best Friend" (sung by Gertrude and Hamlet) and "I'm Crazy" (sung by, you guessed it, Ophelia). 

Since I didn't see the play yet, I can't give it a rating, just wanted to share.

Aldonza's Measures:

crowncrowncrown = Flawless, Fabulous Product. 

crowncrown = Very Good, I'd Recommend It To a Friend. 

crown = Decent but Flawed. Some Shortcomings. 

splot = This shows great potential. (Either that or, "What the fuck?!")

air freshener = This Stinks! 

Aldonza's Measures and Rant & Rave Reviews are Copyright © 2001 Aldonza. All rights reserved. Do not copy or post.

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