Our resident Diva, Aldonza, takes you on a wacky tour of Her trash picks and Divine hits, sure to hit your funny bone in all the right ways, as well as make you crave Her favorite desirables. 

The World of Liberace
Sparkling Rhinestone Website Review

My mom removed four thousand rhinestones from a vintage dress I had. (Thanks, Mommy Dumpling). With my jelly jar of dazzlers, and some tacky glue, no surface is safe. Since I've got rhinestone visions, I went to "The World of Liberace". It's a gorgeous site that works flawlessly. There's a great photo collection sorted by decade: 

• Go to 1970's photo 3. "Boom-Boom Kong, famous Vegas Glam-monkey looks bereft as Liberace clutches young Chimpie."
• Then go to the Liberace Museum and see, OHMYGOD, the world's biggest rhinestone! "Damn, Mr. L., that thing's as big as your haid!"

Enter Bob's World of Liberace. Don't forget to wear your sunglasses.

Hollywood Hi-Fi 
Book Review with a Gawd-Awful CD 

"With long, black hair, he can't be no square! 
Cause when he kisses my lips, he's gotta make me flip"

~Jayne Mansfield singing "That Makes It!"

Hollywood Hi-Fi is a funny, anecdotal list of unfortunate recordings made by celebrities, for example: "Sylvester Stallone! Sly croons! He moans! He gets carried away and testifies, 'I can't stand it out on da street no mo! Oh God, it's cold.' " The author goes on to tell us that he sounds like "...a cross between the mating cry of the bull moose and the older, drugged-out Elvis after a long day in the dentist's chair."

And did you know that Bette Davis did a Broadway show called "Two's Company" in which she wailed quite horribly, appalling the critics, but "Horrid as it was, the show was usually sold out, thanks mostly to Bette's loyal gay fans keeping it open. (She reportedly repaid them by privately griping about the theater always being packed with 'fags', including a ten-year-old boy whose mother Bette felt was warping him into a pervert by indulging his interest in musicals.)" 

Picture this: a Rock-and Roll Heaven in which Jimi Hendrix and Jayne Mansfield cozily share a cloud. It is rumored that Jimi played back-up for Jayne on a U.K. single called "Suey". In the song, "...the band vamps, and Jayne steps to the mike at random moments to squeal something provocative yet inexplicable, like, 'Ooh! It makes my liver quiver!' " The author speculates that this experience could have pushed Jimi down the drug path. I don't know. I just hope Jimi and Jayne "did it". I love the visual.

Of course, once I read the book, I had to have the CD! I was happy that Bette Davis was included, and was as totally dreadful as promised. Also, I have Jayne doing phone sex, and Joe Pesci screeching. Robert Mitchum does Reggae and, worst of all, the "Ask Not Waltz", in which  JFK  "...accompanied by happy, waltzing accordions, proclaims, 'Ask not what your country can do for you', to which the chorus boys cheerfully echo, 'Ask not! Ask not!' and the ladies chirp, 'Ask what yoou can do-ooo...for your countreee!'" That song turned my brain to yellow jello.

The book gets three crowns, but the CD will proudly accept it's Pine-scented Room Deodorizer. Hellavu CD... listen to samples. And don't say you weren't warned!

I received some wonderful dolls for Christmas but the one I want to tell you about is Drew Barrymore as a Charlie's Angel. I haven't seen the movie, but the doll is capable of kicking Barbie ass!  Her torso is cut with abs and soft riblines. She has a long, strong neck, like a chick that strains under daily weights. And..she has little nippies on her breasts!! She's still new and I like her lace bustier/black lizard ensemble, but as soon as I'm tired of that, she will immediately go into a brief Barbie underwear thing. This body must be shown off!! 

Now I want the other two Angels to make some wonderful sex tableau diorama. Hint: a discarded bureau drawer makes a wonderful doll room. I made a bar called "Drunken Bitchville" for my celebrity dolls but it is getting crowded. Michael Jackson and Dolly Parton and Elvis are singing there every night. All the coolest dolls are putting on their trampiest glo-wear and flocking to the place. Marilyn and James Dean are hanging out with Divine and Mammy from Gone With the Wind is showing off her red taffeta petticoat to Posh Spice. Police Barbie was my bouncer, but she ended up on the roof with Bad Cher. It's just too chaotic to control! 

Here's a pic of the Drew doll but she's temporarily unavailable... look in the stores. And I forbid you to keep her in the box. You have to take her out and strip her down immediately!

I love when I've only read a small portion of a book, and I realize I've been on a huge, multi-faceted adventure, and there is so much more to come. I was reading The Biograph Girl by William J. Mann, and glanced up to see how many pages I had gone by-- eighty!  Already I had looked up from a vaudeville stage to see the first motion picture projector flicker huge images on a sheet that astounded the virgin audience. Six characters had been brought to vivid life, and had become my new friends. Among them, identical twin brothers, one handsome and confident, one scruffy and brooding, were both getting encouragement from the sixth dimension from me. (Does that work? Can the reader change the fortunes of beloved fictional characters by sending mentally screamed advice? Silly, maybe, but fun to think about.) Flo, however, our title character, needed no guidance from me-- she's a guru of life. She enlightened me, and it felt as if she took me along with her on a Hollywood time machine.

Now that I've finished the book, I have to recommend it to everyone who loves Hollywood history. The author elaborated upon the life of the real star, Florence Lawrence. He was intrigued by her true story and probably thought, "What if she were still alive?" The characters were so well written that they defined themselves through their words and actions. The author, Mr. Mann, never coaxes you toward an opinion of his characters with loaded adverbs or omnisciently revealed inner thought processes. The indomitable Flo weaves her many-stranded, multi-layered story around all of us. She's my new hero!

Here are some interesting Florence Lawrence links: FLORENCE LAWRENCE The Biograph Girl, and another cool link.

= Flawless, Fabulous Product. 

= Very Good, I'd Recommend It To a Friend. 

= Decent but Flawed. Some Shortcomings. 

= This Stinks! 

"Aldonza's Measures" and "Rant & Rave Reviews" are Copyright © 2001 Aldonza. All rights reserved. Do not copy or post.

---

Join Adult Friend Finders-- World's Largest FREE Personals Site

Columns
The Diaries of Lady M
Sabrina's Sacred Sex
Champagne Rouge
(sex advice)

Art
Mind Caviar Gallery
Velvet Glove

Reviews
Rant & Rave Reviews
The Literate Slut

Extra
Archives | Links | Staff
Submissions | Email
Kudos

Free Sexy Personals
Free Adult Personals
Free Kinky Personals
Free Bi-Gay Personals

Our Favorite Adult Site
Three Pillows