| Aldonza,
The One and Only
We
have Aldonza and YOU DON'T! Mind Caviar has a Bitch Goddess Queen, and
that is the one and only Aldonza. Aldonza is also a rock starlet, an actress,
performer and a collector of toys, dolls and drag queen memorabilia. She
loves make-up and cheap jewelry, the gawdier the better. She was once a
hippie and a go-go girl and got a fab tattoo before it was a chic thing
to do.
Now
she rules over the tackiest page Mind Caviar has to offer. Eat it up, baby!
Where else you gonna find this camp? Aldonza rates the trash you crave.
What
Aldonza says goes! (Look at the bottom of the page to see her ratings) |
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RAGING
HORMONES MENOPAUSAL
PROZAC
BARBIE
FOR
SALE on eBay, of course (or was for sale, til someone bought her for $823.46
... for ME, I hope!) Anyway, you still can look
and be amazed by this creation. She comes complete with a photo-essay
on |
|
how she
became addicted to Prozac in a tell-all Jerry Springer-style story. You
can even read about her complete downfall: how she lost Ken, and then all
about how she got her ass baked-on and how her arms melted off. This is
just part of her adorability: "See the effects a diet of Twinkies®
and beer has had on Barbie's posterior region! Adorable cellulite
dimples on a creamy alabaster background - what more could you ask for?"
Poor
Barbie...how have the flighty fallen.
Two
Crowns Rating instead of three, because there were no more cool-ass
Barbie creations on *Sweet*Bunnie*'s
site for Aldonza to look at or to bid on.
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CHELVIS...
The
King of Wok and Roll!
The
Diva has discovered CHELVIS:
The Chinese Elvis.
"The
man who put da POW in Kung Pao!"
Read
about some of his appearances, such as:
"Chelvis
recently appeared on ABC's Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Although he had
a fairly simple 'Fastest Finger' question, he did not make it to the hotseat.
The question was 'Put these items in a Pu Pu Platter in order from smallest
to largest.' Because of his stumpy fingers, he was not the fastest |
response."
You can also take a virtual tour of Riceland, Chelvis' fabulous home. Among
the many dazzling delights is this one: "In the full service laundromat,
visitors are encouraged to do a load of Chelvis' laundry. Also on display
is his golden laundry machine. This was specially made by the good people
at Maytag® and features a recording of Chelvis' 'Shake, Rattle, and
Egg Roll' which plays during the spin cycle."
This
was a hilarious fun site, but only gets two crowns because I was
so disappointed that I couldn't really buy Chelvis stuff... I HATE craving
things I can never have... Makes the Diva irritable and irregular!
First
of all, Aldonza has a little gift for you. You know she loves toys and
dollies, and these are Paper
Dolls you can print, cut out and play with yourself. She especially
loves the Hawaiian Goddesses... have fun, y'all!
Also
-- Aldonza has another review for you, if you'd like to visit her over
at Mind Caviar's
The
Literate Slut column. She has graced the pages there for the first
time, and has reviewed a book about THE DIVA OF ALL DIVA'S:
* drumroll
*
Madonna
Click
Here
to
Read More
Aldonza's
Measures:
=
Flawless, Fabulous Product.
= Very Good; I'd Recommend It To a Friend.
= Decent but Flawed. Some Shortcomings.
= This Stinks!
Stuff
Aldonza's E-Box with Fan Mail: Click
Here!
Copyright
© 2002 Aldonza. All Rights Reserved. Do not copy or post in whole
or in part.
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