Mind Caviar
"She was about as subtle as a see-through blouse."

~ Helen Van Slyke (1979)

Mind Caviar, Vol. 3 Spring Issue, 2002

Aldonza, The One and Only

We have Aldonza and YOU DON'T! Mind Caviar has a Bitch Goddess Queen, and that is the one and only Aldonza. Aldonza is also a rock starlet, an actress, performer and a collector of toys, dolls and drag queen memorabilia. She loves make-up and cheap jewelry, the gawdier the better. She was once a hippie and a go-go girl and got a fab tattoo before it was a chic thing to do. 

Now she rules over the tackiest page Mind Caviar has to offer. Eat it up, baby! Where else you gonna find this camp? Aldonza rates the trash you crave.
What Aldonza says goes! (Look at the bottom of the page to see her ratings) 

Aldonza CAN SING! Sista


FOR SALE on eBay, of course (or was for sale, til someone bought her for $823.46 ... for ME, I hope!) Anyway, you still can look and be amazed by this creation. She comes complete with a photo-essay on 

how she became addicted to Prozac in a tell-all Jerry Springer-style story. You can even read about her complete downfall: how she lost Ken, and then all about how she got her ass baked-on and how her arms melted off. This is just part of her adorability: "See the effects a diet of Twinkies® and beer has had on Barbie's posterior region!  Adorable cellulite dimples on a creamy alabaster background - what more could you ask for?"

Poor Barbie...how have the flighty fallen. 

Two Crowns Rating instead of three, because there were no more cool-ass Barbie creations on *Sweet*Bunnie*'s site for Aldonza to look at or to bid on.

Chelvis CHELVIS...
The King of Wok and Roll!

The Diva has discovered CHELVIS: The Chinese Elvis. 

"The man who put da POW in Kung Pao!"

Read about some of his appearances, such as:

"Chelvis recently appeared on ABC's Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Although he had a fairly simple 'Fastest Finger' question, he did not make it to the hotseat. The question was 'Put these items in a Pu Pu Platter in order from smallest to largest.' Because of his stumpy fingers, he was not the fastest 

response." You can also take a virtual tour of Riceland, Chelvis' fabulous home. Among the many dazzling delights is this one: "In the full service laundromat, visitors are encouraged to do a load of Chelvis' laundry. Also on display is his golden laundry machine. This was specially made by the good people at Maytag® and features a recording of Chelvis' 'Shake, Rattle, and Egg Roll' which plays during the spin cycle."

This was a hilarious fun site, but only gets two crowns because I was so disappointed that I couldn't really buy Chelvis stuff... I HATE craving things I can never have... Makes the Diva irritable and irregular!

First of all, Aldonza has a little gift for you. You know she loves toys and dollies, and these are Paper Dolls you can print, cut out and play with yourself. She especially loves the Hawaiian Goddesses... have fun, y'all!

Also -- Aldonza has another review for you, if you'd like to visit her over at Mind Caviar's The Literate Slut column. She has graced the pages there for the first time, and has reviewed a book about THE DIVA OF ALL DIVA'S:

* drumroll *


Click Here to Read More

 Aldonza's Measures:

crowncrowncrown= Flawless, Fabulous Product. 

crowncrown = Very Good; I'd Recommend It To a Friend. 

crown = Decent but Flawed. Some Shortcomings. 

air freshener = This Stinks! 

Stuff Aldonza's E-Box with Fan Mail: Click Here!

Copyright © 2002 Aldonza. All Rights Reserved. Do not copy or post in whole or in part. 

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