Mz. Conduct's Bottoms Up! by Kim Alvarez Who is Mz. Conduct? Well slap yourself silly because if you don't know, you ought to know-- and now you're about to find out, baby. Mind Caviar is in love with Mz. Conduct and her booze-drenched sex advice for the lovelorn. Dive in and take a long sip... of her favorite recipe for a Gin 'n Juice. And while you're at it, click the graphic to the right and take a peek at Mz. Conduct's latest House of Sin advice column. Now don't wear yourself out; come back and read about how to make the perfect drink. It's all right here: exclusively at Mind Caviar. Juicy Jaunts with Gin 'n Juice I met a young boytoy, one I’d met just once, at the local Labia Lounge. We

I immediately ordered a Gin ‘n Juice.

Now this boy was gorgeous, but he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. I ordered another Gin ‘n Juice and soon knew that the wicked wench in me would inevitably take over. He blathered about the music scene and that suited me fine, as I can slip into that as easily as a pair of leopard skin mules. After hours of blathering, I still couldn’t get past the dunce hat I pictured him in. If he called me “dude” in one more of his overly animated sentences, I would feel compelled to be homicidal.

One more Gin ‘n Juice and I asked for cab fare home. He peeled out a twenty and asked if we could do this again.
“Sure” I lisped, “why not?” I stuffed the loot in my handbag, got in my car and, taking the backroads, drove my evil ass home.

Take a pint glass and add a fourth grape juice, a fourth lemonade (fresh squeezed is always best), and a fourth (maybe a dash more) of Tanqueray gin. Add crushed ice and toss in a maraschino cherry. Stir with a neon pink, naked girl, swizzle stick and stab in a straw. Voila, the perfect refreshing cure for a dull, yet beautiful boy. Just sit and imagine him with a ball gag and a cock ring... oh yeah. Swill baby swill.

 Cheers and Bottoms Up, Baby!

Kim Alvarez is a saucy little sex advice columnist whose column, Mz. Conduct's House Of Sin appears monthly in SFX men's magazine. She published a zine called the Gutter Rag for several years and her erotica flash fiction and poetry have appeared at Brilliant Smut and Clean Sheets as well as Girlphoria and Venus or Vixen? She's written an article on animal abuse for Out of Bounds magazine, political reviews for Portland's Alliance newspaper, an art op-ed piece for The Chicago Tribune and Curio magazine. Mz. Kimi, as she so adoringly is called, is a garden goddess, weight room enthusiast, martini haker collector, animal rescuer, bad girl extraordinaire and the mother you were warned about.

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