Hang on boys and girls! Aldonza, as we all know, loves SHOPPING, and Christmas is just around the corner. Aldonza has scoured the Internet in order to bring you the trashiest, most glamourest fun objects of desire on the planet. The following selection will amaze you. You will lust for every silly and beautiful thing Aldonza presents. The first review, however, is quite possibly the stupidest thing ever created out of plastic, twinkle lights and doll parts. You know you want it! Best yet, Aldonza offers her highest honor yet: THE DIAMOND TIARA AWARD. Read on to see what deserves such rank.

OH MY GODDESS!!!  I just went to my favorite store, stupid.com and found the most gloriouslytackywonderfulawesome Christmas gift. (If you are Jon and Tom, do not read any further.) It is a musical, light-up shrine to Miss Farrah Fawcett, and let me say, it's about goddamned time! I bought it for friends who will treasure its magnificence forever. ("I will not keep this for myself, I will not...")  For crying out loud, it even plays Ave Maria. What more can you want? Check it out, your life will be changed forever. Here is the link to the Farrah Fawcett Doll Head Shrine.

Madra Lord in "Turbulence" 
Gene as "Bird of Paradise"
Introducing Trent as "Possible Shallow Cad"
Gift Review

	This morning I tucked a tiny plaid thermos into my bra before I went to work...There, I've admitted it. So stone me! But I am fascinated, intrigued, mezzzmooorizzed by Madra Lord in "Turbulence". My friends call her "Dyke Madra" with respect and awe, of course. She is my protector, there on the night stand, her flaming hair swept high and proud. I noticed she has a beauty mark under her left eyebrow... I touched it. If you turn her around, her pants lace up the back of her perfect bottom. Oh My. She's the queen of the air... Aviatrix... Regal Eagle... Goddess. Angel Warrior please guard my dreams. Then, on top of my chest of drawers, having shoved aside jewelry and perfume bottles to accomodate her magnificent presence, is Gene as Bird of Paradise. She is so annoyed at me for placing her in my cramped little bedroom. Her "wingspan" is about two feet of dripping crystals and pink chiffon. I just went in there to check about the "two feet" I reported above. I SWEAR she just gave me the filthiest, "Oh, it's YOU again" side glance. I promise, Gene, Mommy Dumpling and I are going to put in a special shelf this weekend-- with mirrors in the back-- high up above everything else in the room!
	But why should I be afraid of her? Now, I also have Trent!  I don't know him too well yet. I am sure though, that he is shallow and a cad, but I want to love him. I want him to snare that haughty Bird of Paradise and maybe bang her up against the wall-- without creasing her outfit, of course-- just rattle her teeny beads a little.  (Aldonza sends Kisses to Tom and Jon.)

Armistead Maupin: A Biography by Patrick Gale Receiving the coveted DIAMOND TIARA AWARD

I have LOVED Armistead Maupin's books for years. I've read the six-volumes of Tales of the City four times now and I've read Maybe the Moon and The Night Listener twice each. Imagine my thrill at running across a biograpy of the man himself. Patrick Gale, a friend and admirer of Maupin's work, has put together a small volume I devoured for its insight into my favorite author, along with anecdotes about the author's true inspirations for the fictional places and characters I so love to visit again and again.

It seems what makes Maupin's work so reader-friendly is that he uses the writing as self-analysis, writing out his loves, hopes and fears in a way that evokes a universal empathy. I am by far not the only one to become completely attached to the residents of 28 Barbary Lane whom Maupin created. Apparently there are still San Francisco tourists who roam the hills looking for Maupin's fictional landmarks. 

After Tales of the City, Maupin wrote Maybe the Moon, a sweet, sad novel about a midget Hollywood actress. I was moved by his tribute to this brave and zany character who wanted Hollywood to recognize the tiny actors who sweat for hours in ET or Penguin suits. There's a picture in the biography of Maupin and the little spitfire of a woman who was the inspiration for this tale-- both are shown laughing in their disco duds. 

His latest novel is The Night Listener. I learned from the biography that this book is the most personally revealing of all his work. The main character is a barely disguised Mr. Maupin, going through love-loss, guilt, and mortality, and coming out the other side, bruised but whole. I think this is why I always thought Maupin and I could be friends: he seems so accessible and willing to reveal himself. In my fantasy about what famous people I would like to party with, he is in the room with Madonna, Cher and RuPaul. Actually, Maupin got to live out such fantasies, partying with the likes of David Hockney, Christopher Isherwood and Rock Hudson. The stories of these encounters are fascinating reading. 

Maupin once wrote a piece for The Advocate in 1985 called "Design for Living" which is fuly reproduced within the biography. Here is an excerpt: 

"Refuse to cooperate in the lie... It is not your responsibility to 'be discreet' for the sake of people who are still ashamed of their own natures. And don't tell me about 'job security'. Nobody's job will ever be safe until the general public is permitted to recognize the full scope of our homosexual population. 

...What earthly good is your discretion, when teenagers are still being murdered for the crime of effeminacy? I know, I know-- you have a right to keep your private life private. Well, you do that, my friend-- but don't expect the world not to notice what you're really saying about yourself. And about the rest of us."

Aldonza awards the whole slew of books, all of Maupin's works and Gale's latest biography a billion crowns... big sparkly diamond ones. No-- wait! I give them all THE COVETED ALDONZA'S DIAMOND TIARA AWARD!

= Flawless, Fabulous Product. 

= Very Good, I'd Recommend It To a Friend. 

= Decent but Flawed. Some Shortcomings. 

= This shows great potential. (Either that or, "What the fuck?!")

= This Stinks! 

Reviews and awards are all copyright © 2001 Aldonza. All rights reserved. Do not copy or post.
Copyright © 2000-2001 Mind Caviar. All rights reserved. Mind Caviar is a working trademark pending registration.

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