The Decision to "Come Out"

as Bisexual and Ways of Coping

By Gigi Raven Wilbur

Good communication is necessary for all relationships to work.  When I talk to bis who are married but not out to their partner, I give the following suggestions:

  •  Do not come out to your partner because of a sense of guilt or shame.  This is brutal honesty and the motives for coming out are geared more to relieving one's own discomfort and shifts ownership of these feelings to one's partner.  It is important to become accepting of oneself and become centered in oneself before coming out. If and when one comes out, do so from a place of being centered and do so out of love.

  • Coming out is one option of many.  For some, due to job, family, self, and other life circumstances, coming out may not be a healthy option at this time.  We are all people in situations.  Sometimes we need to work on the situation first. In other words, the problem may not lie completely within ourselves.

  • Develop an understanding of timing.  Do what you need to do to live a healthy life, even if it means holding off for a while before sharing information.  Set an intention:  I will disclose to my partner when the timing is right, the situation is workable, and when I have grown to a point of being balanced in who I am. Develop an understanding that this may or may not happen within the time frame of one lifetime.

  • Make a distinction between secrecy and privacy.  There are some things that are personal and private.  These are things that we may never share with another person, but the intent is not to hide, but rather not to share what is unhealthy to share.  For example, going to the bathroom is a private matter for many people.  It is not something we wish to hide, but rather something we would rather not share with others.

  • For others, this may be a healthy thing to share with a selected person(s).  One needs to determine what is right for oneself at this particular time period.  Another example is spiritual matters.  There are some things in spiritual development which are extremely private for some individuals.  When one is ready to come out, share that which is not private information, but rather, that which is needed for good communication about the issues in general.
  • Educate oneself before coming out.  We live in a sex education deprived culture. Resources on bisexuality are available via the Internet at:  BiNetUSA, BiResource, and at There is also a wealth of written materials available at alternative bookstores.

  • Develop a support system before coming out.  Join a bi group and be active.  Find a group where it is safe to share with one another as well as being a potential for finding individuals for support.
  • Explore your value system and attitudes.  Define what is the right relationship style for yourself.  When the time is right, explore this topic with your partner and determine which issues are flexible and which are rigid.  Set good boundaries, but leave room for expansion.
  • Practice coming out to someone with whom you are already out. Afterward, discuss what worked and what seemed awkward.
  • Use meditation and visualization to build confidence.  Visualize yourself coming out with your partner and imagine the questions and/or objections she/he might have. See yourself successfully addressing these questions and objections with compassion and love.

  • Face your fears.  When I was in the closet, I found that taking the worst case scenario and riding it through in my mind gave me a lot of strength.  I realized that even if the worst case happened, I would come through it ok.

Support systems on the Internet for one's significant other(s)

These are only suggestions.  There are a lot of other techniques that may help.  These are the
things that have worked for me.  Some may or may not be helpful for others.  Feel free to use what works for you.

Bi Love,

Gigi Raven Wilbur

Copyright ©  2000 Gigi Raven Wilbur. All rights reserved. Do not copy or post.

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