The Decision to "Come Out"
as Bisexual and Ways of Coping
Gigi Raven Wilbur
communication is necessary for all relationships to work. When I
talk to bis who are married but not out to their partner, I give the following
not come out to your partner because of a sense of guilt or shame.
This is brutal honesty and the motives for coming out are geared more to
relieving one's own discomfort and shifts ownership of these feelings to
one's partner. It is important to become accepting of oneself and
become centered in oneself before coming out. If and when one comes out,
do so from a place of being centered and do so out of love.
out is one option of many. For some, due to job, family, self, and
other life circumstances, coming out may not be a healthy option at this
time. We are all people in situations. Sometimes we need to
work on the situation first. In other words, the problem may not lie completely
an understanding of timing. Do what you need to do to live a healthy
life, even if it means holding off for a while before sharing information.
Set an intention: I will disclose to my partner when the timing is
right, the situation is workable, and when I have grown to a point of being
balanced in who I am. Develop an understanding that this may or may not
happen within the time frame of one lifetime.
a distinction between secrecy and privacy. There are some things
that are personal and private. These are things that we may never
share with another person, but the intent is not to hide, but rather not
to share what is unhealthy to share. For example, going to the bathroom
is a private matter for many people. It is not something we wish
to hide, but rather something we would rather not share with others.
this may be a healthy thing to share with a selected person(s). One
needs to determine what is right for oneself at this particular time period.
Another example is spiritual matters. There are some things in spiritual
development which are extremely private for some individuals. When
one is ready to come out, share that which is not private information,
but rather, that which is needed for good communication about the issues
oneself before coming out. We live in a sex education deprived culture.
Resources on bisexuality are available via the Internet at: BiNetUSA,
and at Bisexual.org. There is also
a wealth of written materials available at alternative bookstores.
a support system before coming out. Join a bi group and be active.
Find a group where it is safe to share with one another as well as being
a potential for finding individuals for support.
your value system and attitudes. Define what is the right relationship
style for yourself. When the time is right, explore this topic with
your partner and determine which issues are flexible and which are rigid.
Set good boundaries, but leave room for expansion.
coming out to someone with whom you are already out. Afterward, discuss
what worked and what seemed awkward.
and visualization to build confidence. Visualize yourself coming
out with your partner and imagine the questions and/or objections she/he
might have. See yourself successfully addressing these questions and objections
with compassion and love.
your fears. When I was in the closet, I found that taking the worst
case scenario and riding it through in my mind gave me a lot of strength.
I realized that even if the worst case happened, I would come through it
systems on the Internet for one's significant other(s)
Person's Guide to Being Come Out to as bi.
it's a family member (this is gay/lesbian focused but some parts may
still be useful)
straight spouses of gay/bi people: mailing
of Gay/Bi Husbands - mailing
list on egroups
are only suggestions. There are a lot of other techniques that may
help. These are the
that have worked for me. Some may or may not be helpful for others.
Feel free to use what works for you.
© 2000 Gigi Raven Wilbur. All rights reserved. Do not copy or
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