Autobiography of a Bi Woman

Rae of Rae's Tribune

excerpted from Rae's Tribune 

I was in college when I had my first sexual experience. I was a pretty eager student and my boyfriend, let's call him Adam, was more than happy to accommodate my desire for knowledge of the sexual realm. We were having a great time and kept ourselves pretty busy. We read erotica, watched porn, play acted, etc. After 18 years in the sexual desert, I had a lot of time to make up for and there was an awful lot to discover. I enjoyed looking at Playboy magazines. I discovered Henry James and Anais Nin. I started to notice that I was really turned on by situations involving two women. Adam noticed that too.

He was pretty excited about it as long as we were only talking about it. He wasn't opposed to the idea of exploring that side of my sexuality, as long as he was participating. The concept of a threesome was terrific as long as he was the center of the universe. But me expressing my sexuality in a way that wasn't centered around him was completely out of the question. Actually, me expressing anything on my own was completely out of the question. The relationship started to deteriorate.

Eventually he was using my bi-curiosity as a weapon against me in arguments. He would throw it in my face, play on my insecurities as a way to control me. I had no frame of reference to tell me what I was feeling was normal. I couldn't talk to my sorority sisters about it and I certainly couldn't talk to my parents. 

One day, I came to my senses and dropped him. But by then, the damage was done. I had come to believe there was something really wrong with me and if I was ever going to be happy I had better learn to ignore those feelings and concentrate on men.

I graduated from university, started a career and a new life in a new town. Then I met Vic and we eventually got married. I never brought up the issue of my possible bisexuality. I figured it was only curiosity, nothing else. Now that I had found "the right guy" those desires would go away. Well, they didn't.

One evening, Vic and I were having one of those conversations. You know, the kind that usually happens after you've had a few glasses of wine. So I told him the Adam story. Vic was absolutely floored. He wasn't shocked that I might be bisexual, but that I had preferred to ignore it all that time.

Vic thought this was something that I really needed to deal with. Although it would have an effect on us as a couple, ultimately my sexuality was part of who I was as a person and if I was ever going to be completely happy I had to explore this. I had expected some encouragement; what guy isn't obsessed with having a threesome? But that didn't come up. Instead of being about his sexual gratification or fantasy fulfillment, this was about me being able to discover who I really was. I hadn't anticipated acceptance and love.

Without going into details, I did fall in love with a woman, let's call her Eve. The emotional and physical experience was almost everything that I had hoped for. But there was one huge problem. I was in love with Vic also and there was no way to bring these two relationships together. Eve had absolutely no desire for men and resented the time I spent with Vic. Vic never really experienced any true jealousy, he just felt left out of a part of my life. I hated having two separate love lives that I couldn't share with the two people that meant the most to me. Eventually, Eve demanded I make a choice. So I did and it wasn't her.

Now we had a bigger issue to deal with. So I was bisexual. And how were we as a couple going to deal with that. Having a girl on the side just didn't work, either for Vic or for the woman or for me. That's when we figured that for us to be truly happy we should date a woman together, the both of us.

We found a very special woman. The three of us were able to develop a relationship that worked. We weren't all joined at the hip at all times, but the basis of the relationship was the three of us. We were very happy for a long time and even though she has moved on to other things, she is still one of our closest friends.

I related this story for two reasons. As a  newcomer to the front page of the BiCafe, most of you don't know a thing about me other than my name and sexual orientation. I felt it was important for you to know a little more about my background. But more importantly, I wanted to relate a story I know is very common for a lot of bisexuals. Many of us didn't have that great epiphany as a teenager. For a lot of us, it wasn't until we were adults in committed relationships that we came to this realization. I wanted to let those people know that they weren't the only ones out there.

And finally, if you're involved with an Adam, dump the jerk.

Copyright © 1999, 2000 PolyBi, Rae & Vic, RGI S.A.
Reproduced with the express permission of the copyright owners.

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