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"My Firsthand Account: Living the Bisexual Experience"

My needs are satisfied adequately with both sexes, just not in the exact same way. Physically, sex with men is different than with women, but neither is really preferable or superior for me. Emotionally, I connect with women deeply but in a sisterhood kind of way, not in a love driven, romantic sense. I cannot see myself holding hands with a woman, looking deep into her eyes and professing my undying love for her. No, that is not me. Right now I am fortunate to have, in my opinion, the best of both sides. I have a boyfriend who is accepting of my bisexuality, and even encouraging, when it comes to inviting another woman into our bed. Sometimes I let him join in, and at other times he understands my need for privacy with a female lover. It is all good, in my estimation. Someday I will marry and have children and will put my bisexuality on the back burner. For now I am just living my life each and every day and having fun.

When I was growing up, I never had any inkling whatsoever of having feelings other than the ordinary friendship kind for other girls. In fact, my heterosexual appetite for men was always healthy and, indeed, still is today. I did not even know anyone who was bisexual. During those years, in my mind, bisexuality meant "confused about one's sexual identity" and I was anything but confused. That was definitely not me, no Siree! I was perfectly healthy and happy with my own sexual identity and in my sexual pursuits.

In my university days, in the late 80s to early 90s, I met some gay people. I even partied with them, but I still thought "bisexuality" was too way out for my tastes. Coming out for homosexuals was hard enough back then. The stage had not been set for society to accept that being homosexual was not a crime, nor a disease.

I suffered so many disastrous relationships with men in my twenties: a short-lived marriage made in hell, a miscarriage, and men who played nothing but mind games. I suffered too much pain and disappointment for one woman to take. I was fed up with all of the bullshit, and tired of having my heart stomped. By the time I was twenty-seven I decided to take an extended break from dating, and take stock of my life. I desperately needed to feel in control of my own life again. The extended break lasted one year. It was during that year that I discovered feelings of bi-curiosity living deep inside of me. It came as an unbelievable surprise.

The manner in which I first discovered it was completely unexpected. One Friday night I was a little short on cash, so I turned down an invitation to go for dinner and drinks with friends and instead opted to stay home and rent a video.The movie I rented was called "Gia" and it was about the tragic life of the supermodel who died of AIDS when she was only in her twenties and at the height of her career. Gia was a drug addict and a bisexual. The bisexual element of her life was really played up in the movie. A great deal of the movie depicted sex scenes between Gia, a dark haired beauty, and her gorgeous, somewhat softer, blond lover.

The very first time in the movie that the two women were together I found myself getting aroused. I really couldn't believe it-- I was getting turned on watching two women getting it on (and to think this wasn't even a bonafide porn movie)! I felt a tickle of horny excitement, almost like a tingling sensation, affecting me between the legs. My eyes were glued to the television, and the next thing I knew I was pushing aside my bra and I'd gone to work on my breasts-- cupping them in my hands and rolling my nipples back and forth until they stood up rosy and erect.

Soon came a shower scene in the movie and (you guessed it!) my fingers found their way between my legs and sought out my clit. I had so much pent up tension inside of me that I thought I might burst! I was practically dripping wet by this time. My heart had sped up and I was breathing heavier than when I'd first sat down to watch the movie. In fact to be quite honest with you I watched the shower scene a number of times. I kept rewinding it and feasting my eyes, over and over again. My pleasure was undeniable but I had to ask myself this question- what was going on here?

By the time I'd gotten through the entire movie, and all the scenes that I had watched again and again, I had given myself more than one orgasm and a full body workout, to boot. Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror after my voyeuristic pleasures were over I really did look like someone who had been fucked well and many times over. My eyes had taken on a wild look and my face was flushed.

I hardly slept a wink that night. I was trying to figure out the events of the evening. Was it the glass of wine or two I'd had with supper? Or perhaps……perhaps, what, what?! I wracked my brain for answers that did not come to mind.

The bi-curious feelings increased with time. Some nights when I couldn't fall asleep easily, I imagined in my mind's eye kissing a woman, or being caressed by a woman to help me drift off into dreamland. It worked every time. I still thought of men on occasion. I even missed the touch of a man, and the feel of a cock slipping inside of me. But at that point in my life, thoughts of men took a backseat to my increasing bi-curious tendencies.

I sought out, as discreetly as possible, another bi-curious female. She didn't prove that difficult to find. It turned out that there were a lot of women like this around. Both the lady and myself wanted to teach each other and learn together. That is exactly what we did.

I was so nervous and unsure of myself at first. Of course, this was all new to me. I was used to being with someone with different needs and different sexual parts, not the same. However it did work out. We navigated our way through it together, and shared some mind-shattering orgasms. It was true what I had always heard- "who knows better about a woman's body and her orgasms than another woman?"

This is where the story of my experience begins to take a different turn. My lover, Lexie, and I started seeing each other on a regular basis, and we shared some wonderful encounters. She was a warm, passionate individual and I cared for her very much. But somehow something was not right. I felt that in some odd way I was either denying or ignoring my true nature. Sex with Lexie was great, but I could not imagine spending the rest of my life with this woman (or any woman for that matter). Perhaps it was my upbringing or social conditioning, who knows? But I felt I was never going to fall in love with her in the way I'd loved men in my past. I wanted marriage, I wanted children, and I felt I could not have them with Lexie or any other woman.

I ended things with Lexie, and it hurt both of us very much. I felt, however, that it was the necessary thing to do. After Lexie, I had a one night stand with an incredibly beautiful Japanese woman, and then later I was introduced to a lovely male and female couple. In the couple, the woman was bi-curious and the man had wanted to watch his girlfriend with another woman and he also wanted to join in. I was game; it sounded like fun. After all, I hadn't had any sexual contact with a man for far too long. We went for it and it was out of this world. I loved it! But most importantly it made me thirst for men again. Soon I eased myself back into the heterosexual dating world slowly and cautiously. I felt like I'd been out of the loop for a very long time.

I have lots of female friends, but my regular girlfriends are a separate group from my occasional bisexual female sex partners. My heterosexual friends know that I enjoy both men and women sexually, and they are okay with that. They accept me just as I am, which matters a great deal to me.

I personally feel that as people we are who we are. I think we do not get to decide which sex we will find ourselves attracted to. I believe this simple fact of life is already hardwired into our limbic brain. Sexual labels are all so unimportant, and can even be dangerous. We should work our hardest, each and every one of us, to make sexual expression and sexual acceptance the only things that truly count. That and practicing safe sex, of course! 

Copyright © 2001 Skylar Sinclaire. All Rights Reserved. Posted by permission of the author. Do not copy or post without the author's permission.

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