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"Being Bi"

To be honest, upon finding out that I like both men and women, most people would think that I "turned" to being bi after I discovered that my first real boyfriend was gay (definitely not bisexual), but this isn't quite the whole story. At about the age of twelve, I discovered my own body and naturally, fanticising. It didn't take me long to work out that what most of my scenarios didn't involve was confused to say the least. I mean, it wasn't that I had a penis, but all sexual encounters should have a male and a female, right? That's what I thought.

Then at about thirteen I found out what a lesbian was (I think it was one of those daytime-self-help things that enlightened me) and I wondered if I was one. But I couldn't be, because I fancied boys too. Maybe I was straight and just appreciated women more than other girls. I think at this point I had a crush on a teacher. She was about as tall as me, with laughing green eyes and long black hair, and I would have worshipped her if I could.

The reason that I say I think I had a crush is because, to me, I love women differently than I do men. With women it's emotional, men physical. This doesn't mean that I don't care about a male at first sight, nor that I don't lust after a female, because I do. It just feels different.

Anyway, back to this crush. I pushed it to the back of my mind. After all, I couldn't be a lesbian and I wasn't aware of such a thing as a bisexual. Then, a few years later, after discovering what a bisexual was, I wondered, "Is this me? Do I have a name for what I am now?"

I was talking with my boyfriend at the time after he told me he was gay, and we were no longer a couple. "People aren't bisexual, they just can't make their minds up. I think all bisexuals are gay," he said just as I'd planned to tell him. As you can imagine that really screwed me up. I'd just sorted myself out and there he goes throwing his views into the mix. He was as closed-minded in other parts of his life. That's why I don't know him anymore.

I then asked my mother and told her how I felt. She said that I shouldn't worry about it. It didn't really matter as I still liked boys and there were plenty of those on the planet. She didn't realise that that didn't help me one iota. After that I decided that coming out was a definite no-no. Now I don't advertise that I'm bi. But then, I don't advertise that I'm straight or gay either.

I'm lucky though. I literally stumbled across two friends on the Internet who are also both bi females so we can chat about general nonsense that flies around in our darkest hours. One of them gave me something with this line written in it, "If I fancy him or her and they're willing, I'll take them to bed, it doesn't bother me whether they be male or female. Love and pleasure are rare enough commodities in this world when you don't take the chance of having them when you can." So I do.

Copyright © 2001 Raylea Diotima. All Rights Reserved. Posted by permission of the author. Do not copy or post without the author's permission.

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