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Gender Identity: Female
Location: Las Vegas, Nevada USA
Sexual Identity: Closeted Bisexual
Melissa Randolf's Story:
I used to ask my mom if I could look at the magazines at the grocery store while she was shopping. Back in the 1960s they kept soft-porn magazines out where anybody could see them, even little girls like me. I can still remember the rush of heat and excitement I felt looking at the beautiful and alluring near-nude models. One day my mom caught me looking at Playboy or some other “girlie” magazine, and she got very angry with me. I felt shamed and humiliated. I was always interested in sex, and I experienced disapproval and shaming, not for being bisexual, but for being sexual at all.
In college I read Nancy Friday’s book of women’s fantasies, and enjoyed them, including the lesbian ones. I saw girls in my dorm being affectionate with each other, and I wondered if they were experimenting with same-sex sex. I even considered what it would be like making love to my roommate, but living side by side with her dirty socks and zits took the excitement out of it. I could fantasize about an airbrushed sexpot, but real life was too much. Also, in those days I had never heard the term "bisexuality", and I think I would have felt compelled to choose to be either gay or straight. I was very attracted to men, and found myself in an all-consuming sexual relationship with a man I later married, that started almost as soon as I got to college.
Later as I became more and more angry in my marriage, I understood how women might turn to lesbian relationships out of anger and frustration with men, and I allowed myself to fantasize about women. I have always allowed myself any fantasy I like, without guilt. I still did not think I would ever have the guts to act on any of these fantasies.
My husband was very controlling and repressive, and used to accuse me of being a sex addict. I have to think that most men would not have complained about a wife who liked sex too much. After many years of unhappiness, I finally had the guts to leave and stay gone.
About a year or so before the marriage ended, I read an article in Jane magazine about polyamory. This changed my life. It described real life relationships like those in the Robert Heinlein books I had read as a teenager. I had always been fascinated by the idea of multiple loves found in his books Stranger in a Strange Land and I Will Fear No Evil.
When I met the man to whom I am now married, we began talking about the idea of polyamory, including threesomes and bisexuality. He was the first person I had ever been able to talk to about my bisexual leanings, and he was open, non-judgmental, and positively encouraging. With his support I experienced a threesome with another couple, and that was my first sexual experience with a woman.
I had met this couple online, and they lived in another city. My husband and I had made plans to meet the couple for dinner to see how we all hit it off. We liked each other, and the thought of what we were about to do was incredibly erotic. They took me to a strip club (a totally new experience for me) and I had the pleasure of experiencing a woman dancing for me. I was “out” that night! One of the dancers asked what we were to each other, and we said, “We’re a threesome!” It was great. The dancer got a kick out of it, too.
Afterward we went back to their room and made love. My most striking memory was how familiar and normal it was. There was no amazing contrast between sex with him vs. sex with her-- it was all sex. As a “mostly gay” friend of mine says, it’s no big deal. But to go by what society says, you would think it was a very big deal.
Since then I have had two more bi experiences, one a repeat with the first couple, and one a foursome with my husband and another couple. I like the fun of having more than one partner. I do think I need to have the experience of time alone with another woman, where we are not distracted. I am open to that and hoping for the right woman to come my way.
I am still “closeted” except to a few close friend, so I have not experienced any sexuality prejudice myself. My main conflict at this time is the slightly schizo feeling of being attracted to other women, and competing with them at the same time. I am now working on losing the competitive feeling.
I am closeted mainly due to worry that my teenage children would be upset, and fear that their father would try to get custody. I am working on being able to talk more openly about sex with my kids, and am making some progress there. Maybe at some time in the future I will be more comfortable talking about bisexuality and polyamory with them.
My husband supports me, and I have two male friends who are supportive also. I don’t know any women in my town other than myself who are bi. I would like to find a woman to have an ongoing relationship with. If and when that happens, I know my husband and I will have some heavy-duty processing to do, even though we both like the idea in theory.
I am hesitant to come out to my female friends, who may think I somehow have designs on them now. I know some lesbians slightly, but not well enough to come out to them. I have volunteered to help with BiNetUSA activities, so that may happen in 2002, and I may meet some like-minded people that way.
Copyright © 2002 Melissa Randolf. All Rights Reserved. Posted by permission of the author. Do not copy or post without the author's permission.
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