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"On My Bisexuality"

I fall in love with almost everyone. Males and females. Young or old. I fall for girls who have boyfriends. I fall for guys who have girlfriends. I fall for waiters and leave them huge tips. I once fell for my American Lit. teacher who was old enough to be my grandfather. I've fallen for my friends or their significant others, felt terrible about it and never said a word about it to them. I've even fallen for people I've never met! I don't often discuss this aspect of myself. It has a way of making people nervous or uncomfortable, including myself. I wonder if I'm destined to be a "home-wrecker" or a Jerry Springer guest. Then I think, "This is who I am, no arguments!" 

It took years to finally accept my nature. I didn't just figure it out one day: "Gee, I'm bisexual." Rather it was a gradual process of discovery and learning. Finally, saying I was "bi" just made the most sense. It seemed to be easier than saying, "I have an open and loving nature, and I don't discriminate on the basis of gender." 

I remember being attracted to men and women as early as twelve. I would read Teen magazine and stare at the teen heartthrobs as well as the models! But because of my Southern Baptist upbringing, I felt it was wrong to fantasize about other women. I would do it anyway, and feel incredibly guilty about it. 

I dated a bit in high school, but I wasn't a typical boy-chaser. I felt very different from the other girls. I dressed very feminine, but certain aspects of my personality were very masculine. I had lots of male friends and a few close female friends. I heard more than once, "people think you're a lesbian," which I vehemently denied. Then, as a freshman in college, I had my first crush on a girl. That changed everything. I began to wonder if I could be sexually intimate with a woman, and have a relationship with one, and be happy. The answer seemed to be "Yes!" 

I still liked men, so I began to wonder if I might be bisexual. I hadn't been with another woman yet; did that mean I wasn't bisexual? I figured having bisexual fantasies and desires meant I was capable of being a bisexual, but if I changed my mind, would that make me "straight" again? I sincerely felt I could be sexual with both genders. From that point on I have identified as a bisexual woman.

As I began to feel more at ease with my identity, I began to be more comfortable showing it. I came out to several of my friends while in my third year of college. I met others who were bisexual, gay, or exploring their sexuality. I continued to explore mine and to learn about human sexuality in general. 

I knew coming out as a bisexual would be hard, but I was anything but prepared for the reality of openly living as one. My mother said it was a phase and has begged me not to "turn lesbian." My little sister thinks "carpet munching" is disgusting, my dad tries to stay oblivious, and I've never even tried to tell my grandparents. 

Dating isn't any easier. While I am fortunate enough now to have a wonderful partner who values my sexuality, it was not always so. I had one boyfriend who couldn't handle it. He would often lash out at me for being queer, calling me a "slut" and every other name in the book. When I broke up with him, I vowed never to date anyone who couldn't accept my sexuality. 

I had difficulty with that, too. Prospective partners were far and few between. Females I liked were usually "100% straight" and in a relationship, or lesbians who "didn't date bi girls." Most men seemed only interested in threesomes, and I wanted more than that. In the middle of it all was a young woman who was just being honest with herself.

There is this lie that dating a bisexual means one has "twice as much competition," or that being bisexual makes it easier to date because one has "more to pick from." I think these assumptions are ludicrous. I definitely don't have more to pick from, and I don't know one bisexual or gay person who would say being queer makes dating any easier. I try not to let remarks like this get to me. Almost everyone is subject to a stereotype of some sort, I tell myself. But on the inside, it hurts to feel like such an outsider. 

Then there's the belief that a bisexual will "do it with anyone." This is what I call the "Anything That Moves" stereotype. What this refers to is the belief that bisexuals are attracted to anyone and everyone and will engage in physical relationships indiscriminately. In short, that we're "sluts." I admit I am attracted to many people and have a high sex drive, but does that mean that anyone is entitled to have sex with me? Or that I even want to have sex with them? No, of course it doesn't. But many an unaware individual has thought otherwise.

This also carries over into group sex, polyamory, and swinging. Yes, many bisexual people enjoy these practices and are quite happy. But these practices are not exclusively the territory of bisexuals, nor do all bisexuals feel the need to swing or have multiple lovers. Bisexuals are often perceived as being incapable of having monogamous relationships. I would argue that people of all sexual orientations could become frustrated with monogamy. It seems to me that some people are just inclined towards monogamy while others hate it. I view monogamy as a personal choice, independent of one's sexual preference. More and more, as I find myself confronted with these myriad stereotypes, I find I'm actually growing more tolerant of them. My patience has increased. I've heard it all before. I guess I'm getting harder to shock. The need to prove myself to others has subsided. I'm interested in proving the myths wrong with my actions rather than getting into a heated argument with someone. 

The more open I am about myself, the more I find friends and even co-workers letting go and saying, "Yeah, me too." Or better yet, "I was so proud of you that day you spoke up." This works with all things, not just sexuality. And I see that my nature may indeed be a gift, a blessing in disguise. It's the part of me that is fluid and creative, that can relate to almost anyone that sees beauty everywhere. To suppress this aspect of myself seems almost treason. So I don't.

Copyright © 2001 Joni Harris. All Rights Reserved. Posted by permission of the author. Do not copy or post without the author's permission.

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