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I'm Tania, a twenty-six year old nursing assistant and student. I was born and raised in Wisconsin, and by age sixteen I had moved to a new city and began attending a new high school. My brother and I met this girl, with whom we both became friends. A year after knowing her, she admitted to a guy with whom we worked in this little restaurant, that she was attracted to both my brother and me. Nothing ever came of it, and I have no idea where she is now, but that was my first realization that I was attracted to women. It excited me that she was attracted to me, and in a small, ashamed, secret way, I felt the same. Of course I was sixteen so I didn't know what the word "bisexual" meant. I had never heard it used. 

I became involved with a guy I dated from ages eighteen to twenty-one and married him. At the time we started dating, I told him that I had sexual feelings for women, but I didn't feel that anything would ever happen with them, because I didn't consider myself a lesbian. 

He joined the military and we moved to Florida. We lived there for six months and moved, because while he was on a deployment, I was raped. The military transferred us to Mississippi. There we both tried to make friends, though it seemed more easy for him, because he had all his guy friends on the ship. He met a girl three years older than me, who said she was "bisexual" and introduced us. She explained the meaning of the word "bisexual" to me. At age twenty-one I had never heard the word, and I still wonder if that's uncommon.

My husband was completely content with the idea of me having a girlfriend because he said, "Then you wont be with another man while I am out at sea." Sometimes I believe my husband thinks I was never raped, as he has given me mixed messages. He's also told me he feels that I am attracted to women because I was raped, when he should know well that I was attracted to women long before I was raped. But my husband still seems to believe that my first same-sex experience came about because of the assault. I believe my first encounter with another woman happened because the situation arose, plain and simple. 

I was with this woman who was introduced to me by my husband for a year or better. She and I tried to involve my husband sexually, which he said was his dream, but he was too nervous so not much ever came about with us three. After a few months, she had me wrapped around her finger. I was so in love, I would have done anything for her. 

She and I never had any sexual escapades alone; she always involved one of her "boyfriends " as I called them. She often tried to get me to have sex with them also, when really I just wanted to be with her. Usually the scenario was as follows: She and I would have sex, the man would watch, she would pressure me to give myself to him, I would say, "no," and she would have sex with him while I watched. I couldn't count how many boyfriends or sexual adventures we had, but it seemed to be way too many. It got to the point where I tried to please her, going against my morals and values of marriage, and I finally had sex with one of her boyfriends during one of our threesomes. It disgusted me, but I wanted to please her. Since I'd decided once to have sex with one of her boyfriends she continued to pressure me, insisting I could do it again. One night she and an ex-boyfriend and I went out. When we returned to my house, I refused to have sex with him during our threesome. She held my arms, and allowed him to try and force me. The two were interrupted by someone else entering the house, which saved me, and after that I didn't talk to her again until I had moved out of state, even though I still felt I was in love with her. 

I then decided married life was not for me, since I couldn't be faithful. I didn't want to hurt my husband more, so I told him what happened. He had become jealous of my then girlfriend, and didn't like her already, and this pushed him to the edge so he hated her, and to this day he still does. After he and I separated two years ago, he moved back to Wisconsin, and I moved to Tampa, Florida. He now accepts me as I am and we are very, very good friends, and still getting divorced. I continue to talk with my ex-girlfriend, and I've now gone about having my sexual freedom. 

Later, I met a girl and had a one night stand with her. I was very open about my sexuality at this time, but made it clear I wasn't into threesomes. Then, during Christmas, my best friend from grade school came to visit me in Tampa. She, knowing my sexuality, initiated sex. She'd never had sex with a man, and I have been her only sexual experience. The friend and I had three or four encounters, every time she came to visit. Last year I moved north again, and I am living in Minnesota. The grade school friend and I don't talk as much as we did before, because the sex has changed things a little, and has made things somewhat awkward between us. 

A few months ago I introduced myself to a girl I found attractive at a lesbian club. We hung out a few times, but nothing ever happened between us because I had this fear that she did not accept me being attracted to both men and women. Unfortunately our friendship was very short term, and I don't talk to her anymore. I tend to date men when I do date because all of my family lives in Minnesota, and I fear them finding out I am bisexual. If the time ever came that I was seriously involved with a woman, I would definitely tell my parents, but until then, I find it better left unsaid. I feel, "Why make them upset if they may not ever need to be." I disclosed my sexual identity to my brother because he has a child with a lesbian, and I feel he is non-judgmental. I hang out at gay and lesbian clubs, and all of my friends know my sexuality. When I meet people and start the "getting to know you" process, I am very up front with my bisexuality, so they can decide whether they want to deal with that or not. Though I don't usually describe myself with the word "bisexual", I usually say "I am attracted to men and women."

I feel closer to women, but I desire the protection and comfort of a man. Sex with women in my small experience is just as pleasing to me as that of sex with a man. I am more attracted to a woman's body, yet I still desire the touch of a man. I am not into threesomes, possibly because of the experiences I have had with them. Who's to say that won't change. But for now, I am a one-on-one person. If I am in a relationship, it will be with one person. I cant say I have had the best experiences in the same sex relationship category, but it has also helped me to know what I want and don't want.

To me being bisexual is simply that it doesn't matter to me if I fall in love with a man or woman, if I date a man or a woman, or if I have sex with a man or woman. I have been confused ever since the age of sixteen about the whole concept, and I am just now starting to figure out that, no matter how I am or what I feel, it's ok, and someone else in this great big world is bound to feel the same as me. Of course I desire to be accepted no matter who I share my body or time with, but if people don't accept me because of that fact, then they are not worth my time. 

I think being bisexual makes me completely accepting of all sexual lifestyles, whether I participate in them or not. Now that I am becoming less confused about it, I am realizing I have more freedom than a lot of people, and instead of seeing myself as cursed with it, I am looking at my sexuality as a gift-- to be able to be open-minded and free.

Copyright © 2001 Tania Cage. All Rights Reserved. Posted by permission of the author. Do not copy or post without the author's permission.

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